Neo Godless

Passion Fruit

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 10:36:02 EST

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The other day I realized something. I realized what is missing from my life. Passion. I used to be passion about lots of things. And I thought maybe I was stretching myself too thin. I was passionate about what I do at work, and I even did it at home and earned extra income. I was passionate about photography, so I took lots of photos and uploaded them to my web site regularly. I was passionate about my web site, so I kept it fresh and active. I was passionate about video games so I played them and bought new ones and showed them to people when they visited. I was passionate about building computers, so I upgraded mine and built and upgraded them for friends and family.

I don't feel passionate about those things any more. I enjoy watching movies and reruns of Scrubs, but it's just something to pass the time when I get home, because I'm not motivated to do anything. I'm rather behind on a freelance project because I don't feel this desire to do it and do it well and do it fast.

Well, I have to get some work done so this is going to be a short entry.

Always Working For The Future

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 16:28:53 EST

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Last week, in preparation for my second and final roommate, I moved everything out of the third bedroom that had been used as an office and guest bedroom. In general, it felt like a productive week, though I definitely fell behind on freelance. One of the things I did was finally make use of a computer part bought about six months ago, and I set up my computer in my bedroom. It had been used very sparingly, replaced by a more convenient laptop which could be used in the less remote feeling living room or bedroom. But with the computer running more quietly and well within reach, I began to use it again. And it was kind of intoxicating. I stayed up late several nights since then, often just bouncing around the web, finding ways to make the most of two 22" screens, or listening to music on the 400 Watt speakers. All of this in what may be the eighth or ninth week since I stopped going to the gym. My energy levels are plummeting and I haven't been able to think clearly or find motivation at work.

I have my contact case with me today, and I'm going to the gym in a short while. I plan to run for a while, and then I might lift some weights, too. I don't want to go overboard, because I want the experience to be positive, encouraging me to continue to go regularly for the remaining few evenings I have this week before going on a three day road trip that will separate me from the gym. I should get quantifiable amounts of freelance done, too, since I'll also be on a camp site, unable to get any work accomplished.

I'm really hoping I get back into the habit of visiting the gym. While I'm pretty sure my previous stint robbed me of muscle since I did so much running and so little lifting, the exercise is still quite a positive part of my life. I have stress that needs relieving, metabolism that needs increasing and unnecessary fat that needs burning. My mind needs cleared and my energy levels need to be restored. And being single at twenty nine (shortly), my self esteem could use just a little boost from an improved body image.

The thing that's really worrying me is that I thought I might be in the beginning stages of a potentially special relationship, but the lack of energy and clarity may have put up a large roadblock that I'll now need to overcome just to resume forward progress. The timing isn't good, and the stress and worrying will only serve to be self-defeating.

I'll also hope that this road trip and mini-vacation serves well to help me relax and get back in the game.

Killing Time

Mon, 19 May 2008 13:25:50 EST

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I used to really like having people over. Lately every time I have visitors, I feel really awkward. It stresses me out, and I'm relieved when people leave. I don't seem to have the first clue about how to entertain any more. I am really frustrated by this.

I'm super tired today, and kind of depressed and grumpy. I have no motivation and I'm annoyed by just about everything. I'm lonely and I feel like an outcast. I don't remember the last time I had a close friend. When I go home, I will probably kill all kinds of time staring at the TV because I've become way too lazy to do chores or freelance or to go run errands or go to the gym. I haven't been to the gym in about five weeks.

I don't have any goals. The future is meaningless to me. My entire life has been reduced to killing time.

Pondering A Bathroom Remodel

Sat, 03 May 2008 22:42:22 EST

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When I started house shopping, my ex and I decided we should make a wish list for what we want out of a first house, and just for something to think about, what we'd want out of a dream house (or at least a nice upgrade sometime down the line). We found a house that seemed to meet all of our first house requirements, but it wasn't built yet. We went for it, but before it was built, we split up. I really liked the plan for the house, so I was still going to buy it. But some other life plans sort of revolved around us staying together, like relying on her income and letting me build up my freelance income, or go back to school. So with that plan shelved, and my "temporary" full time job quickly growing on me, I decided to look for a house that was much closer. Within three days, I found a house online that I was interested in, went to see it, put an offer in, and it was accepted! I got my original deposit back and put a new one towards the house I found. A month later I closed on it, and after another month I moved in. I realized that it had almost everything on that original first home list (after the fact) but it was so close, I thought it a shame that the final item couldn't be crossed off the list. And that brings us to the point of this post.

The one item missing in this house is a bathroom with dual sinks. My ex and I came up with this item after knocking elbows with frustrating regularity in front of our single sink in our one bedroom one bathroom apartment. I think it's a real nice touch for another reason. When that ex first moved in with me, I was living in a different apartment, one where I had everything just where I wanted it. In the bathroom, I had things organized how I liked. Behind the three mirror panels, I separated items into categories. Yeah, I'm weird like that. So in addition to the dual sinks, I like dual mirror cabinets. Now what makes this master bathroom particularly disappointing to me is that it's the same size and layout as the other full bathroom. It seems like it should be bigger and better.

Now the walk-in master closet is adjacent to the bathroom, and I think it's plenty big. I'm not an expert (no matter how much HGTV I watch) but I think that in the price range of my house, buyers wouldn't expect the closet to be any bigger than it is, and would probably be OK even if it was a little smaller. Maybe people with shopping addictions would disagree. And the only way I could possibly add a second sink would be to expand that bathroom, shrink the closet, and rearrange the layout of the bathroom appliances. Sounds trivial right?

So I got to work, measuring everything, drawing some diagrams, and throwing around ideas for a bigger bathroom with dual sinks. I even got out some props to get an idea of how squeezed I might feel with certain distances between things like the bathtub and vanity. I came up with an arrangement that I really like, and it sure seems like it could really work. And unlike some of my original plans, it doesn't involve moving the doorway (or as I later realized, the heating and cooling vent.) But it does involve moving the toilet and tub, ditching the whole sink cabinet that exists now, building new recessed mirror cabinets and a whole new vanity. In fact, I wanted to think about all the steps it would take and all the things I'd have to buy, so I made some lists.

I haven't even started to put price tags on the supplies, not to mention estimate the time each task would take (especially if I try to do these things all myself) but it is clear to me that it isn't exactly trivial. At this point, I don't think I'm scared off of the project, but I do feel the need to go even further to plan and research. I

Cure For Lethargy?

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 23:42:47 EST

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At work, the only thing keeping me going is that I've been put on some team projects, so I'm held accountable. In other words, when you're sitting next to someone, you're kind of forced to push through and get work done. Sitting alone in my cubicle, I can kill time, sometimes even closing my eyes and nodding off.

At home, TV continues to wreak havoc. Of course, that's just an excuse. An outlet. But I have so many things to do. I need to sharpen the mower blades and put thicker oil in, and then tackle my backyard jungle. I need to move furniture around. I need to brush Frodo, and I'm way overdue for vacuuming. And I should clean the kitchen and bathroom. And when is the last time I made a proper dinner or packed my lunch? And now I've got a freelance project to work on. I finally sent some invoices tonight. Some of those were probably six months overdue. And since I haven't properly tracked my time all those months, I probably charged way less than I could have. Oh yes, and I printed an amended tax return for this year, since freelances finally caught up to me in that area. But I have to actually send it in.

I'm gearing up for having a new roommate. Of course the old ones have only been gone about four days. But maybe having a new roommate will spur me to action. Or maybe I'll have some people over. That usually gets me to clean, even if some of that "cleaning" is "tidying" by piling stuff in some room I don't use much. I want to organize my basement workshop, with proper shelves and spaces for everything. And while I'm down there, I need to tear apart the failed home server and prepare that motherboard for RMA.

And all over the house, old mail has piled up, useless, but a part of me feels the need to go through it all before I toss it or shred it. Amid those messes of paper are other things set aside for later, all needing a proper place, more often than not in the trash. Even the recyclable basket is overflowing. I merely need to take it out and put a new bag in. But when will that happen? Even my living room has reached a record level of clutter. Blankets and clothes, electronics and books, magazines and mail... all just sitting on the coffee table and even the couch.

I never claimed to be clean, but for so long, I held on to believing that I was at least tidy. But now I'm overwhelmed with my failure to maintain a tidy place. Of course the negative thoughts of a defeatist will not do well for driving me to succeed and recover. I will do it. I don't yet know what the trigger will be, but I have a feeling it will come from within, and with every small success, I will be more motivated to continue onward and complete the tasks before me.

Unfocused Thoughts

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 12:13:22 EST

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What is with the grass? It's growing like... weeds. I have to mow again, but my evenings are really busy all week. Yesterday should have been the day, but I took a long nap instead. And stayed up late, and had difficulty sleeping! I think right now my body is trying to disassociate the few nights I've had so far where anxiety ruled and sleep was hard to come by. Until then, my bed isn't the place of relaxation I need it to be. I did drink coffee today, which I haven't been doing lately. The weak logic here is that maybe if I'm more awake during the day, I'll sleep better at night.

My eyes seem to be doing well, mostly. Stuff isn't bothering me as much lately, and they aren't hurting all the time. I wore contacts yesterday, and they were a bit on the dry side, but that isn't really new. I do still see flashes out of the same place in my left eye, but apparently it's just something to get used to, as the vitreous continues to tug a bit on my retina. I went back in on Monday just to be safe, and they said everything looks good. And I have another checkup in about two weeks.

My house is a mess right now. I don't exactly blame the roommates, but doing so is helpful for making me feel better! I just tell myself that I'll do everything I need to do once they are out, because I'll have that downstairs living room in which I can store lots of furniture. Then I can reallocate shelves as needed, and go through some of the clutter that has been building up. And I can start hacking away at some minor landscaping outside, and hopefully clean up cigarette butts for the final time. I'm thinking vacuuming should be a priority, because I still strongly suspect that I have some minor eye irritation stemming from allergies such as the pet dander. It would help if I brushed that hairy beast of mine more often, too. My Roomba only cleans the kitchen on a daily basis, but even so it is usually full to the brim of pet hair (thus my weak justification for that purchase).

Speaking of... I have been doing pretty well with controlling my budget and adjusting to life without freelance income, not to mention the forward looking expectations of life without roommate income! Interest rates have dropped again, so I refinanced my car... again. I'm rolling one of my credit cards into it. It wasn't high interest, but higher than the new loan, and that rate expired in December and jumped some more. And besides, the reason that card had money on it in the first place was because I used my cash rewards card to pay for some of my car, and then transferred it to that card since the balance transfer rate was the same as my car loan. But it really is car debt, so it helps to keep it in a single loan. My monthly debt payments are a little higher now, but not by too much, and theoretically, that combined with lower interest is a good formula for relatively big savings on interest.

I do hope to get a new roommate or two, though, and I am expecting a raise June 1st, and my laptop will be paid off (interest free loan through work) as of December 12th. Those things will all help my monthly budget out, if I can continue to keep my expenses and spending within the budget, but in addition, I might also look into adjusting my federal tax withholdings, since this will be my first year of being able to deduct a full years' worth of mortgage interest. I have a feeling I would be due a large refund if I leave things as it is, but I prefer to increase my income now, to pay off debts and reap the benefits of interest savings myself instead of giving that opportunity to the IRS.

Unless I do manage to really cut spending, though, without roommates, I don't have any money going into savings on a regular basis. That bothers me a lot. Most of my life, I lived that way, but over the past two years or so, I've had automatic savings plans, and I've found it quite helpful. Without it, I might not have my house or paid off so much of my car. I'd pr

On A Positive Note

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 13:44:41 EST

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This week seems to be picking up. I had a "career lattice" meeting yesterday, which is something new here at work. It gives us an idea where we are now, where we can go, and what we can do to advance. I got a lot of positive feedback in the meeting, and my manager seemed to hint that my upcoming pay raise will make me happy. I wasn't really expecting or counting on a pay raise, which might sound to odd to some people that obsess over these things, but I guess I kind of enjoy the limits that can be put on my responsibility (and culpability) when my pay isn't sky high. And I wasn't budgeting for any kind of raise. I've been cutting corners and trying to keep things tight, so any kind of increase in income is quite welcome and helpful. And as a bonus, literally, my manager gave me a card today thanking me for a job well done meeting with a client recently, and it included cash money! I got that card just after visiting the eye doctor. My eyes seem to be doing just fine now, with no new issues or problems with the surgery. And the only person to poke and prod was the same doctor that performed the surgery, and though she's the only one to whip out the probe that pushes at my eyelids to pop my eyeballs out a bit so she can see the inside front of my eyes, she's really efficient and manages to leave my eyes feeling relatively abuse free. And I just churned through some tasks here at work, which leaves me feeling productive and capable. I'm also looking forward to a lunch meeting I'm having next week, but that's all I'm going to say about that.

A Big Nuisance

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 10:24:39 EST

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My eyes hurt. All the time. My job couldn't be more poorly suited to this situation. I also need to find new activities to spend time doing when I'm not at work. Anything at home is just difficult to endure for long. Watching TV and movies is particularly painful. Before long, my eyes hurt and I have a headache. I think, at least on days when the sun isn't too bright, I should be outdoors, letting my eyes do what they are naturally comfortable doing. Maybe this will get me out more. I have to get some gas on the way home today, for putting in the lawn mower. I was going to mow yesterday, but it didn't work out! I did give my dog a bath and give him some exercise... in the high grass!

The Fear Of Blindness

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 15:28:34 EST

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This has been a scary week, and I'm still pretty nervous.

Maybe two weeks ago, but I'm really not sure, I started seeing an occasional flash in my left eye. I would describe it as being in the lower left, out of my main field of vision. It would be very quick, and I don't know if I even saw it as often as once a day, or if I saw it more often but just didn't take notice. It kind of reminded me of the negative you might see after seeing a bright light. Still, not too long ago, I overheard a friend saying that seeing flashes of light can be a sign of retinal detachment, and that thought was hiding out in the back of my mind. Starting Monday, the flash seemed just a little larger, and more frequent. I started researching the flashes online, and reading about retinal detachment, and becoming very anxious. In all the anxiety, I often became very warm and nauseous. I left work early Monday for not feeling well.

That night, filled with anxiety, I hardly slept. Whenever I'd calm myself down and start to fall asleep, I would suddenly snap my eyes open, particularly the left one, and look around the room, confirming that I could, in fact, still see. I decided I would have to see an eye doctor the very next day, if for nothing else, to calm my nerves.

So I called the one eye doctor I've actually liked out of the many I've seen over the past several years, and they offered up an appointment sometime in May! I mentioned the flashes and urgency, so they recommended a larger place that I could call. And this other place got me in within an hour of my call! So I went, and my new eye doctor found a hole in the retina in my left eye. This can lead to retinal detachment, and he said it was good that I came in, because this kind of thing can just get worse over time. He said they would try to schedule laser surgery that day if possible, but at yet another location. In the end, it was scheduled for the following morning.

I slept slightly better that night, but still woke up from time to time. Early in the morning, I got a ride in to the opthalmology center, arriving even before the assistants behind the desk. After some waiting, I saw yet another new eye doctor. He poked and prodded for what seemed like forever, and said that yet someone else would actually do the surgery. And that it appeared they may be a hole in the retina in my right eye as well. He then had me wait in the laser room for what seemed like a very long time, before returning to have me wait in a waiting area. Eventually my doctor was able to see me, in yet another room, and she discovered that there were four total holes, two in each eye. The two in my left eye seemed relatively fresh, while one in my right eye seemed older, showing pigmentation which is the bodies natural defense against these kinds of holes. I was given more eye drops and sent back to the laser room, where I waited for another long period of time. Eventually my doctor came around, and she set right to work. She took a laser first to my left eye, circling the two holes which were apparently close together. Then, given that I was putting up with the torture relatively well, she dove right in and shot the laser at my right eye for a while. Within minutes, I had almost normal vision, and the next thing I knew, I was out in the hall, calling for a ride home. Having dilated pupils, the time I spent outdoors was rather bothersome. Once home, and noticing the irritation and pain in my eyelids and a dull headache, I took some ibuprofen and slept the afternoon away.

So here I am the next day, and I'm rather nervous. My vision is mostly normal, but I still seem to have some unusual flashes and floaters, and I didn't really get enough information from the doctor to know if that is a normal side effect of the surgery, or if things are just getting worse in my eyes that will require additional work.

I did try to find out causes and prevention of retinal holes, but the only thi

Money Sucks, The Lack Of

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 16:33:55 EST

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I've been getting rather stressed out thinking about money lately. Not that long ago, I still did enough freelance to pad my budget and allow me to overlook poor spending habits. But lately I've done so little that I can't even remember the last check I've seen. And now my roommates are gearing to move out at the end of the month. So my budget is looking really bad. In preparation, I've had to cancel all automatic savings, and I even toyed with the idea of reducing my retirement deductions from payroll. I've also managed to improve my spending habits, but there's not much left in savings to deal with any unexpected expenses or mistakes. And paying tax on all that lovely freelance income now that I'm not getting it any more has been a real kick in the pants while I'm laying down. I canceled my underused Netflix account, but it wasn't long ago that I upgraded my cable a bit with a box that does HD and DVR, and I don't look forward to giving that up. Whether I find a new roommate (or two) or not, I think I need to work on some other "housecleaning" issues.

I think it's time I start packing lunch. Oh the horror! I have packed off and on in the past, but it's been a long time now, and I've gotten quite accustomed to eating out for lunch, which is not only financially wasteful, but typically unhealthy as well. I wasn't always so bad at packing lunch. When I did it consistently, it wasn't too hard to keep the items I bought fresh, using them up before they spoiled. But as soon as I started to slide, food got wasted, and then I became that much more hesitant about buying it on my grocery runs. I have to jump back in with both feet and get the habit sealed in. My one friend at work packs her lunch the night before, and I think it's a great habit. But she also heads to bed at least two hours earlier than me, and is awake two hours earlier, too! In other words, I may also need to work on my evening routine, because I often put off the bedtime ritual until I'm too tired to make good decisions and to accomplish any last minute tasks I should be doing. I tried going to the gym in the morning, and it wasn't too bad, but I just can't seem to bring myself to showering at the gym and then going directly to work. There really isn't all that much more to my morning vanity madness. Throw some gel in my hair, and away I go. But I also don't know what to do with myself at the gym during that period of time I need to cool off properly so the shower I take actually "works". As it stands now, any shower I take there is usually followed twenty minutes later by another shower at home which washes away that second coating of sweat. Maybe I'll just buzz my hair and be done with it! Maybe I can shave the rest of my body while I'm at it and cut down on that sweating problem all together!

I can't think of too many other ways to improve my budget. The rest of my expenses are housing, utilities, transportation and some outstanding debts. (One of them is educational, though I don't have a degree to show for it. The rest is just low interest credit card debt, held over from a past of weak spending control.) I'm also bugging my life insurance agent, because I'm not sure there's any point in shelling out that payment every month when I'm a single guy with no family. He tries to convince me that it's good to lock in the price while I'm young, and that it's a good long term investment vehicle, but I think there's a good chance it's nothing more than a long term waste of my money, and I need to stand up straight and tell him I want it canceled.

All Clear

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 17:22:56 EST

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Every once in a while, it's nice just to say that things are going pretty well. I went to the gym last night to lift weights, and again first thing this morning to run. Of course, I am a little tired. But my mind has been pretty clear today. And I've been much better about not buying things online. I still spend some cash just going out to eat or drink, but I think as long as I stop buying stuff I don't need or even particularly want, my budget should stabilize. I'm learning to make better use of all the stuff I already have, to enjoy it and appreciate it.

At work, I'm learning .NET 2.0, and I've made a site with security and roles, photo uploads (with resizing upon upload), photo comments, blogs (with an easy to use WYSIWYG text input box with formatting and image uploads) and blog comments. The features aren't particularly exciting, but it's great to learn how to implement them with a new set of tools that are vital to modern web application programming (not to mention surprisingly easy to use). I might have to redo this site next, since the form I made for writing blogs is pretty rough right now. Just the image upload alone might make it worth the trouble.

The reason I'm finding time to learn and self train is because I have nothing to do this week! Lots of things were put on my schedule that aren't really materializing into actionable items. I can't kill time learning things forever. I do have kill some of that time filling out a form that will be used for job evaluation. That's no fun. I didn't do a whole lot this year that contributes to job growth and career progression. I think I had to work on my own issues and get them worked out. Now that I'm living healthier, happier with my social life, and maybe getting more regular sleep, I think I'm better able to focus on work and be productive.

I'm not entirely happy with my social life though. I noticed that I haven't really dated anyone in many months. But that I haven't even been particularly motivated to do so. I'm OK now. Not overly ecstatic, but content. I don't feel bad about being single. I am enjoying life. I am being social, at least friendly, though not romantically. But I can't say I'm happy having no romantic pursuits. A part of me does want that, and misses that. I guess I just want to re-enter the fray, once again dealing with rejection, or even the pressures of acceptance. Maybe I need to really learn that I am someone who can be and deserves to be loved. I'm not sure I fully grasp that.

Step Up

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 12:10:04 EST

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I'm really self conscious about dancing, which I think kind of goes against the whole philosophy of dancing, which I think is to just let go, have fun by moving yourself in an almost out of control way. Well, there are many different kinds of dancing so I guess the idea behind each is different. Some are so structured that "letting go" probably has almost no place in it at all. Unless maybe that tiny hint of letting go is what gives something so absolute the human touch that makes each dance unique and thus worthwhile. I'm talking about dancing at clubs though. And I guess the point there is something along the lines of hump the person next to you. Except somehow I do it wrong and the girl "friends" laugh and then I feel self conscious about it. My movements on the dance floor aren't sexy so much as awkward, and I'm pretty sure the more I think about it, the worse it gets, so I try pretty hard not to think about it, and to ignore what they say. And then I have a good time anyway.

Lately, though, I've been thinking about taking some kind of dance lessons. I don't know if what I'd learn would translate to the club, but it would be kind of cool to train my body to do something specific, to have control over the moments, to learn some variety and structure in dancing. I don't know what kind of dancing would be good to start with. I think whatever kind is fun is probably the right kind. But I don't know much about dancing.

A little weird fact about me is that for a while I strongly considered taking some sort of ballet. This isn't recent, though I mostly feel the same about it now as I always have. I think, again, that it would be great to train my body in strength and control over movements. And to ignore the negative ideas people like to attach to males in ballet. Sure, if I dress in ultra feminine attire and move in feminine ways, I would appear feminine. Go figure. But ballet doesn't have to be ultra feminine, and I think it would be fun. In fact, I think I would meet people that would be quite human, surprisingly so, even, in a place where you might not expect it.

Enough

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 23:39:18 EST

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It gets tiring being afraid to mention your ex-girlfriends even around your friends. Some recent events made me think about this perhaps more so than usual.

The other day, I was talking to a co-worker I don't know very well, and I was sharing some stories, while he was talking about things like the wedding he's planning and bachelor parties. Now since one of my ex-girlfriends is actually an ex-fianc�e and I also happen to run into her lately I actually mentioned her a few times, and caught myself, and said something, and he said he had noticed that, too. But it was harmless.

But sometimes when I hang out with some of my friends, they are really critical of ex-girlfriends, and whenever they come out, I hear nothing but bad things, and then I usually change the subject or justify them somehow or just shut down for a while. I think it's easy to forget that these people represent serious relationships over a long period of time and were (and can sometimes still be) a significant part of my life. I care about them still, sometimes still think of them, and wonder how they are doing.

Now in my younger days, I was a little possessive and jealous, but now when I look back at ex-girlfriends, I generally don't think of them that way. I think of them as people I care for, and I hope they are doing well, and if the feelings were right, maybe I even wonder if things could be better if we dated now, with a few more experiences behind us.

So anyway, when a friend criticizes an ex-girlfriend, I feel like they are criticizing me, and even more so, I don't like the feeling that I should watch what I say or hide my feelings from people. I certainly shouldn't be ashamed to care about someone or appreciate them for their positive qualities and all the great memories that will always be with me. It sort of culminated unexpectedly the other day, talking about my GPS, when I mentioned the name of the "person" that does the voice I selected, and it was questioned because it happens to match that of my ex-fianc�e. I snapped rather angrily that it was spelled differently anyway, but in my head I was thinking about how emotions had just kind of erupted in me. I don't want to have to justify or explain my feelings. They are what they are, and they are normal and human, and they reflect who I am and how I care about people.

In My Absence

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 00:44:26 EST

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I went to Boston. Correction: I drove to Boston! I think everyone generally thinks I'm crazy, but I enjoyed the drive. Some friends of mine are moving there. They say they want to get away from this place. Now I respect them for doing what they are doing, but I wonder what it is about this place. And Boston. Lots of people I know want to move to Boston. Now I've been there, and I had a great time, but I don't know why I'd live there over here. I do know why I live here though. I have a nice big network of family and friends. I would find that hard to leave behind. And I thought if there was a reason to move, it would be because I'm single, and maybe somehow a new place would put me in the right place at the right time. But really I think that geography has very little to do with it. In fact, I kind of feel that if I moved, it would be an attempt to run away from myself, my faults and mistakes, the negative pieces of my history, all those things that made me stronger and helped to make me who I am today. So I don't have any intention of leaving any time soon. But I do intend to travel more!

The Opposite Of Progress

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 15:56:42 EST

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While I'm happy to be working on a pet project today, I feel completely lethargic. I know I should go to the gym immediately because the window is quickly closing until I have to spend the rest of my day cleaning and getting ready for both an evening out and a night in partying. Tomorrow I hope to leave as early as possible for Boston to make the most of my short visit there, but I won't be able to go to the gym until Wednesday. At least I have a soccer game Tuesday night, but going from Thursday until Tuesday without a lick of exercise is a bad idea.

I'm also frustrated once again by my complete inability to design web sites. I've been doing the programming for about ten years now, but when it comes time to make something new and make it pretty, I draw a total blank. All of my "designs" are the same, and they are stark and boring. Sometimes I'll work with someone else on the project and have them do the design work, but sometimes I wish I could do that part as well. I suppose practice would help a lot. Or training. Also, once again, motivation would be good. I know some ways to get the creative juices flowing, but I just want to jump right in and have a design.

Keep Going

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:07:32 EST

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This morning, I photographed a robin or two. I brought my camera with me to work, but I took most of the photos before leaving the house. I love the zoom on my camera.

I've had a pretty productive day at work, but there's a big piece that requires some energy and thought that I haven't found motivation to use just yet.

Yesterday I shared the site with some friends. I'm always curious how I'll feel going from having no one read the site to having several people that know me read it. Will I continue to be as forthcoming in my writing? I'm not sure yet. I do feel somewhat compelled now to write consistently. Even if I'm just posting something small, I want to write every day. Today I'm not sure I have any new, noteworthy issues on my mind.

I had two nice runs at the gym yesterday. Usually I do one long run, which lately has been around five miles. But I ran steadily faster yesterday and got some side stitches after two and a half. So I did a cool down, got some water, and when I felt ready, got back on for another two miles, again mostly at a higher than usual speed. Sometimes I have a little trouble getting myself to the gym, but more and more the past few months, I really feel troubled when I don't go. I'm still not satisfied with my self image or the speeds I can maintain on the treadmill. I haven't officially made it a goal, but I'm curious to see if I could get back to the speeds I ran in high school cross country. My fastest was 3 miles in 30 minutes, or 9mph. I haven't even run 7mph for 3 miles at the gym yet, so it feels like a lofty goal, but I've also been steadily improving my endurance and speed so it may be attainable over time.

Missed Opportunity

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 09:56:44 EST

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I was about to leave for work this morning, and I thought about how I haven't taken a lot of photos lately. I did take a few on that little trip this weekend, but I haven't posted a single photo to my big web site yet this year (and that's after posting thousands in previous years.) For some reason, though, I didn't grab the camera. And I thought I don't like when I don't take it because then something pops up and I miss out on it. Like when there was a blue jay in the tree just feet from my car. But I walked out the door without it. Got in my car. And noticed some robins off in the shade of my house. I thought "that's OK" because it was too dark to get a good vibrant photo anyway. But then one of them flew over to the tree directly in front of me, landed and stared me in the eye. Damn it! I got out and tried to walk quietly back to the house, but he flew off. I grabbed my camera, and it's in my car now, but I missed another opportunity. With the zoom on my camera, I could have filled the frame with the little critter, just staring right at me. I guess, at least, he was there to remind me to always bring my camera.

Deception

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 14:09:10 EST

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One time when I was in college, I met a girl at a party. Nothing really happened between us, but I kind of thought I liked her. Meeting her also corresponded with this rather unusual obsession I had with Britney Spears, which lasted almost exactly one weekend. I found all the photos of Britney I could on the internet, and I made collages and set either photos or collages as wallpaper, and used other photos for a screen saver. I was hooked. And this girl kind of looked like Britney. Maybe not that much, but at the time I really thought so, and I think in my mind, I connected the two people in some way, and the obsession kind of trickled over to this girl. And the next time I saw her, I was at my college. She was still in high school, but I guess she was visiting the college to check it out. I didn't talk to her, but I saw her during lunch. And it really caught me off guard. I had a bit of an anxiety attack which I naturally confused for love. I wrote a poem about it when I got back to class. Anyway, some time passed, and I ran into the girl at the coffee house, and some conversations later, I learned that she had been interested in me, but now she thought I was a player. That blew my mind. I never thought of myself that way, and I'm still pretty sure I didn't do much of anything that could be confused with playing as far as that girl was concerned. But a train of thought I had today made me look back over my past and think about how I've interacted with girls, and I suddenly realized that I have a history of misleading them. I like lots of girls, on a superficial level, and I don't hide that particularly well. And even when I know that I'm broadcasting that message, I don't try to hide it. Until they show their interest back, and I decide that I'm not as interested as I thought I was. Except I don't always make that clear right away. In fact, in some (maybe most) of my relationships, I decided well before it was over, that I wasn't as interested as I originally thought. But I let it carry on and become a more painful, dramatic event than it really should have been.

There's another more obvious example of deceit. One time I was working at a relatively new job, and there was a girl there with a temporary position doing data entry. We saw each other in the coffee room a few times, and after several smiles, we worked our way up to small talk, and then started having some real chats. She was cute and we got along well. Some of our talking could definitely be considered flirting. But there was a pretty serious problem. I already had a girlfriend. I may have failed to mention that. And I did get my chance. One Friday afternoon, we were talking, and she suggested that we do something after work sometime. Like that evening. And I said I had plans already. And that was true, but I didn't bother pointing out that the plans were with my girlfriend. So I got a weekend to think about this, and then that Monday, we were talking, and I told a short anecdote about something involving "my girlfriend's brother." And then I felt really awkward, excused myself and went to my desk. And things were definitely awkward between us for a while, and we didn't talk nearly as much, and when she stopped working there, I don't think I got as much as a goodbye. I liked her, and that part wasn't deceitful, but there was definitely deception by omission. Considering that I liked her, and that the other relationship did go on to fail (which may come as no surprise if I'm flirting with co-workers) I sometimes wish the whole thing would have happened differently. Like I could have been forthcoming with her but still developed a friendship. Maybe down the line it could have become something more when the time was right.

There have been other examples of me doing this more recently, and I think it's finally opening up my eyes somewhat. I don't think I have trouble attracting girls, but giving off false vibes never leads

Progress

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 17:12:30 EST

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Coffee energy is running through me. My mind is racing a bit. I'm working on this blog. I'm doing it mostly from scratch. Using some pieces from other sites I've done. But I'm not using WordPress or MovableType. I am using some ideas from there, though. I want it to be easy for people to comment, but not for bots. Having a custom site goes a long way in keeping bots out. Simple tricks work because real humans won't bother with a lonely custom site. Comments should be ready soon. But the site is still ugly. I'd like to clean up the look and add comments in a logical, natural way.

I got more work done than yesterday, but not as much as I'd like. I'm still tired. Still struggling with motivation. I thought a lot about money today. I'm trying to do whatever mental tricks I need to do to keep me from buying things I don't need. There are little things in my budget that can help, but the main problem is just how often I buy things, big and small. Before I put money into retirement and farther back before I put money into savings, a lot more of my income made it into my budget. And I did a lot more freelance development. It took care of a lot of bad habits. I could spend more than I should, and then another check would come, and everything would be fine. But as more and more time goes by with very little freelance and dwindling savings, it is clear that my habits need to change. I changed my lifestyle a good amount recently when I decided to lose weight for a fund raising competition at work. I told myself over and over that I would work hard and show everyone that I was capable of doing this. I don't know that anyone doubted me, except maybe myself, but still I was held accountable, and I did work hard, and I lost a lot of weight. And now exercise is a bigger part of my life, and overeating is a much smaller part. So now I need to do some similar mental tricks to get me to reduce overspending and increase saving my money. Those mental tricks might come in handy with work related motivation, too.

There was talk of some people going over to a nearby bar after work. No one let me know they were leaving, but I think they probably already went. I could skip it, but I don't want to. I want a beer. I've had very few beers during the competition, and I'm OK with that reduction overall, but I'm still in the mood for a thicker calorie and flavor rich beer. And I could go for the social interaction as well.

Restless

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 15:27:42 EST

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I am all kinds of restless. It started this weekend. I was wasting time staring at my television, finding mindless entertainment in the form of HD programming and mediocre movies. I didn't want to put effort into going to the gym or cleaning or working on freelance web development. I didn't want to continue what I was doing alone. But I wanted to do something me. I grabbed my camera and laptop and headed towards my sister's house. I quickly found dreary landscapes scarred by modern suburbs and I balanced my little car on the side of the road and took some photos in the cold wind. Then I was back on the road, trusting my GPS, frequently looking side to side for something else interesting. But I didn't find it. I was getting close to my sister's but I decided to visit my grandmother briefly. So I did. I was very tired, so I just sat and talked for a little before heading back to my original destination. And I went and I sat around and did very little. I set up my laptop, and I played some StarCraft. Some with my sister. Some alone. And the time passed and then it was time to go home. I came home and I checked on my comforter. It was still damp so I put it back in the dryer. And I killed some time somehow but I don't even remember how. And then I got my comforter and put in on my bed. And something was very wrong with it. It had splotches of brown all over it. I tried to scrub them off but nothing helped. I left it sitting in my bathtub, wet and ruined, hijacked my movie analysis blog to express my feelings of sadness and frustration, and I went to bed.

This morning, I hung my ruined comforter out on my deck to dry, and I came to work. I figured out my schedule and my tasks and priorities, and I sent out some emails. And I killed some time. I chatted a little, surfed the internet a lot. I went to lunch and then I came back. I tried to make a web site using .NET 2.0, but I didn't get very far before I threw in the towel. And then I decided to make this blog. This domain name has been all but abandoned for some time, sitting in reserve, most likely forgotten by anyone who once visited it. I threw together an image to put at the top, and I fiddled with style sheets for a little, but in the end I just don't have any sort of motivation or inspiration. So there is no real design. Anyway, that brings us up to date.

I almost left the site just as it was, but I sat here restless, not sure what to do with my time. And I remembered that I am restless. And I wanted to write about that. To think about that. Maybe to fix that. I haven't been to the gym since Thursday. Three days used to be nothing between visits, but recently I've been pushing myself hard and getting in shape. It's been clearing my head and giving me energy. It's been relieving stress. And I think I actually look forward to it now. I just want the day to be over so I can pack up, put in my contacts, and head to the gym. The hour I've been spending on the treadmill lately flies by. It's almost too fast. It ends with sweat and I'm tired and I like sitting down and relaxing afterwards, but I'm not exactly relieved when it's over. It could go on longer. I enjoy running. As lazy as I often find myself, for some reason, running appeals to me.

On Saturday night, I dropped everything to go out to the bar with my friend. I like her. Maybe she knows that. Maybe not. Sometimes I think she likes me, too. But I haven't tried very hard to find out. We work together. And we work with her ex-boyfriend, too. They were together for five years. I like him, but not the way I like her! He and I are alike in some ways. Different in others. He's funnier than I am. I want to be funnier. Anyway, I forgot that Saturday was the night that we set our clocks an hour ahead and gave up an hour of sleep, unless you sleep in. And alas, Sunday wasn't a day for me to sleep in. I agreed to meet my dad for breakfast at 8AM. So I ended up sleeping about 4 hours. And I didn't feel like napping after he lef