Neo Godless

A timid return?

Mon, 29 Mar 2010 21:14:26 EST

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Holy crap, I haven't been here in a long time. So, let's see how the next two months go. I am finally giving up credit cards. Well, almost. I'm going to let my online payments for cable, TV, cell phone and the gym continue to charge to my card, and I'll continue paying that off each month. But gas and groceries will come directly out of my checking account. So I only carry my debit card to buy those things. If I don't have the cash, I don't buy it. So that at least should keep me from cheating on my allowance by buying expensive dinners and rounds of drinks even when my allowance is spent. It doesn't address buying things online, but having that card put away in a drawer and "off limits" will hopefully be enough of a psychological deterrent. If I do well, I may reward myself with a slightly higher allowance. After all, I should be able to afford to. April is the month I pay off my car!

As for buying rounds of drinks and cases for parties, that hopefully won't be an issue for the next two months, because my best friend and I are going to detox and go without drinking until June 1st. It may be tough. Today I was at a social committee meeting, at a bar. And I saw all the events coming up that I would normally drink at. And I'm hanging out with a girl on Friday, and I can't drink then either. But I have some people to hold myself accountable to, and some determination. I think it'll help with a lot of things. I'll get the depressant out of my body. I'll get some of the excess habits out of my mind. I'll consume less calories and spend less money. Maybe by June 1st, I'll be hesitant to resume drinking. It's hard to say.

So I'm curious to see how well I do with placing these hefty limitations on myself. I hope it doesn't make me feel too limited, tempted to rebel and go to an extreme. I hope I find myself doing more creative things, like spending time outside, enjoying low cost activities and finding more time to exercise and even relax.

Pleasure

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 13:42:47 EST

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What is pleasure? Is that why we live? Where do you get pleasure? I know, for many people, eating is a big source of pleasure. I enjoy eating. I like brownies and icing and chocolate and ice cream. But I decided this summer that I didn't need the pleasure of eating as much as I wanted to have a healthier body. My logic is that my healthier body will let me get some other pleasures that I value more than eating. Do you see where I'm going with this?

Well relax, I don't know if I'll talk about that. I will talk about how I do enjoy compliments though. I'm even quite guilty of fishing for them at times. I also enjoy doing physical outdoor activities. I like going for hikes and swimming or just walking around somewhere cool. I like playing soccer, and I've been thinking that I'm excited to give soccer another shot this spring with a few less pounds to carry around, and hopefully some increased endurance as I continue to add cardio to my workouts.

But back on that other topic, and I've mentioned this before... I do find myself looking at very attractive girls and wanting to be attractive to them. I think about having a beautiful girlfriend. Is that what holds me back from being in any sort of relationship? I'm not saying I want a "trophy wife" but at the same time, I guess I still care enough about what other people think that I feel like I need to have a girlfriend that is universally attract enough to make people think highly of me.

Stop Searching

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:13:42 EST

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Try being girl crazy for the better part of 30 years sometime. They tell me that when you stop looking for your better half, you'll find it. It's a nice phrase, but I think the best translation of that is just that you can't predict when it'll happen. And I'm not a big believer of destiny and fate, so I don't even believe there's any certainty it will happen. On the other hand, if you actually focus on yourself, and make sure your own life is interesting enough to keep you occupied and entertained without someone else leading you everywhere, you'll hopefully be doing fun things that lead to meeting people. Plus you'll also seem interesting, because you're active and doing things you care about.

I've never really been that way. Whenever I list interests, I end up including "girls". And a million other things. But nothing I'm all that passionate about. I saw a status message on Facebook last night that read "Decide what to be and go be it." I haven't really decided what I want to be yet. Yes, I've had a steady occupation for the better part of ten years now. TEN YEARS! I've been in software, making web applications and database for ten years. Recently, I've started to shift gears in this crazy corporate world towards becoming something we call a "technical project manager." That means less development and more planning and maybe even managing. In other words, being really organized. More importantly, it means I can use my brains to make projects go smoothly without doing the grunt work. My intention is to make sure the specifications I provide for a project are useful enough to keep developer frustration to a minimum and make sure the client gets what they expect. It's actually all pretty exciting to me, and I am eager to make it go well. But I don't know if I'd say I'm passionate about it.

When I did freelance web development, I played the part of salesman, project manager, technical project manager and developer. And in a pinch, designer. Yikes! And I really liked overseeing the project. The work I went into scoping out and estimating a project meant that development was just a simply matter of following a checklist and executing on a plan that was already developed. At my full time jobs, the details are usually much more sparse. The plan is left up to the developer, and sometimes what gets done isn't really what was expected. It's a mess I hope to clean up.

But that doesn't really answer the question of what I might be passionate about. That doesn't make me an interesting person! I've tried to figure out that on several occasions, but I guess the trick is to DO more things and see what I really get into. I'm definitely glad I went forward with getting a motorcycle. I love to ride! And I'm sad that the riding season has ended so quickly after I've started. I really look forward to spring! I also like driving, too. And my car is fun to drive. But then it's illegal to do anything too fun on the road. I should look into Autocross. But ideally I'd buy a cheap beater car that I can race on the track rather than destroying my daily driver! Another expensive hobby. I like things like riding bike and hiking and swimming and photography. But I like variety! I like doing a little of everything. It's just hard to become fully immersed in anything with all the different things I do. I love movies. I even have a blog where I used to watch movies and review and analyze them and even try to apply their message to my own life. But how interesting is someone who spends all their time watching movies? I like computers and sometimes gaming, but I really seem to have lost passion for games, especially solo but even sometimes for competitive games. And I love just being social and hanging out with people and joking around. I enjoy deep conversations. I love it all. And I still can't get past the idea that if I just found the right person to do all those things with me, it would all be even better. But living this way doesn't seem to be le

Call That Vacation?

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 13:32:48 EST

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So I went on vacation. How relaxing that must be? I thought about leaving my laptop behind, but made an excuse at the last minute that I needed my laptop to charge my phone, since I left my AC charger at work. And I couldn't leave my phone behind, could I? I brought books to read and paper to write my thoughts on. I went alone, though I was open to having someone come with me.

On the drive there, my chest started to hurt. This, combined with some weirdness with my heart rate at the gym led to a vicious cycle of anxiety... which maintained the chest pain. My chest hurt off an on for the entire vacation, and still hasn't fully recovered. When I went swimming, which admittedly isn't something I do much anyway, my chest was pounding from the exertion. But I still managed to relax after my swims, dozing off at the side of the pool!

With an emergency to deal with at home, some boredom and loneliness and a heap of anxiety about my heart, I left vacation the night before I would have had to check out and headed home. I got home, dealt with the emergency and had a restless night of sleep. But in the morning, I got an early doctor's appointment, and before long I was finding that my blood pressure, heart rate and EKG were all quite normal and healthy. In fact, my blood pressure hasn't been this low in a long time. I was given a prescription for nerve pills which I dropped off, but I haven't picked up yet. I don't want to lean on them too hard.

With my clean bill of health, my chest pain has gradually subsided, and I'm feeling much more at ease. I slept relatively well last night. I feel pretty good today. Work is slow (hey I'm blogging!) but I'm not too worried. I have a few more tests coming up to double check my health, and I think I'll find that I'm doing well and can relax about my health. Oh, and on my trip, I ate mostly fruits, plus some yogurt and carrots. That, along with my anxiety helped me shed a few more pounds. I'm very close to a healthy BMI and the range of healthy body fat I've been hoping to hit for many years now.

It's been a very difficult week, but even before this week started, I decided that the tough things happening in my life are challenges that I will gladly face and emerge from stronger and more confident. I am driven to succeed despite whatever external factors are thrown at my life. I will remain positive and I will overcome life's little roadblocks. In a way, one goal of my vacation, which was further self discovery, was accomplished! Now for some good relaxation time!

Search For Self Worth

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 17:31:11 EST

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One article I read says that we have a healthy, unblemished self worth from birth, but by around age 8, it starts to change based on our environment. We start to believe that our value depends on external factors, accomplishments, possessions and how we are viewed by others.

I'm not sure what age I was when my own self worth began to devolve. I do know, though, that during those formative years, I was attending elementary school. I was unpopular. I was mocked. I felt like an outsider. I felt like someone who doesn't get to be part of the crowd and have relationships with friends and significant others. I have spent my life since then fighting against the tide of this belief I've held to my core. I've worked towards financial success, owning material possessions, accumulating friends and being desired by girls. I've tried to succeed at "everything I control."

I thought that doing all this would give me everything I have wanted all my life. That I would feel great about myself and my accomplishments. That it would make others think highly of me. But all along, there was a huge puzzle piece missing.

Self-esteem can perhaps be described as a feeling or view you have of yourself that you base on your own self perception and how you think others perceive you. It is good to have a healthy self-esteem, but as I have learned, you can't just convince yourself of this, without working on the building block that self-esteem rests on. That block is self-worth. This is seeing yourself as worthwhile because of innate value you possess as a living, breathing human being. This is unconditional love for yourself. It is something you are born with but gets hidden by thoughts and feelings we focus on based on our environment. This is the thing I believe I have been missing all these years, and this is something I have to work on recapturing. I don't know how quickly I can bring this belief to the surface and wash away my misdirected feelings and thoughts about how external factors determine my worth. I only know that it is my one pure goal now.

Rebuilding my recognition of self worth will allow me to pursue happiness that is not dependent on achievements and how others view me. I can do things like give to others out of love, be helpful because I know that my help is worthwhile and give advice that can positively influence someone's life. Sure, sometimes those things sound like achievements, but they are things done for their own merit alone, and not the recognition you might hope for.

Almost Lunch

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 11:50:39 EST

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The coffee thing has continued. It's been about 11 days now. My sleep schedule was pretty crazy, but I think it's settled into something resembling normal once again. My visits to the gym have continued, and I've added cardio. My weight generally still seems to be trending downward.

Still, it's been a bit of strange week. Someone I feel I've gotten pretty close to and was in a lot of contact with throughout the day withdrew. It's leaving an uncomfortable void that I'm trying to ignore. I'm looking for distractions. I'm trying to sort through my own thoughts and where I am in life, and make sure I'm doing okay as an individual. I am more likely to be a good friend (and eventually partner to whoever that may be) if I've got myself relatively well ironed out.

And for the most part I'm pretty confident in where I am. I felt a bit of a dependency develop on someone else, and that being taken away was jolting, but I don't know that I'm all that worse off. I've had some emotions go up and down and all around and confuse me and at times it has been quite unpleasant. But I'm still pretty much rational and secure and continuing my life as per usual.

It has been a distraction though... from work especially. Work load is a little light, so I'm left to find other things to do and think about, and that has occupied my mind a lot. Trying to cut that bad habit out. Now is a really good time to focus on work and do really well. For multiple reasons I'm merely hinting at now. I'm sure I could have some more thoughts and share them here, but instead you just get this glimpse while I wander off and find food.

Taking Advice

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 13:25:56 EST

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Maybe I know what I'm doing. I tend to find the most success when I trust in my abilities to reason and understand. Problem solving is what I do. I don't generally tell people that my job is problem solving, because isn't that everyone's job? But that's my job. I am given some sort of vague end result, and I mold the void into what is really wanted and I find a way to get there.

Anyway, never mind all that. As I was saying, I like to ask advice, but often when I take advice over my own preferred course of action, I am unhappy with the result. Hmm no coffee in 4 days. I'm getting sleepy and I'm not sure I'm going to bother finishing this blog post.

My overall point is that while some people disagree with me, I think it'll end up all right in the end. Just you watch!

Search For Fitness

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 23:21:42 EST

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I had a really good workout tonight. I'm not quite as aggressive with my muscles as I was when I first got into it this summer. Carlos told me that the best way to achieve rapid muscle growth is to go with a nice high weight, that you can just barely do maybe 8-10 reps, 3 sets... pretty much wears you out. Then drop to a lower weight and repeat. Keep it up until you can barely move any weight at all! Well, I did that to some degree initially. Now I just do the main set with the heaviest weight that I can do close to 3x12. So tonight I did good sets on my biceps and triceps, plus I did around 3x15 leg lifts and 3x20 crunches (each is supposed to work different abdominal muscles.) After that, I rested for a bit, and then hopped on a recumbent bike. I stayed on there for around 45 minutes, past the 10 mile mark, and burning close to 400 calories! I honestly don't remember the last time I got a shirt so sweaty! Anyway...

It might be apparent that I'm kind of set on losing some weight and working on my muscles and improving my body image (and self image). Since high school, I've gained weight. Sometimes I would do something to rein it in, but I've never gotten myself back to an athletic build. And really, in high school, I was mostly just skinny, not muscular. So I've never had a good muscular build. And I want one. Maybe not forever. Maybe just for a little while. But then the closer I get, the more I like it, the more I want it, the more I find some drive to skip that cookie or pudding or beer and get myself to the gym.

While I'm pretty sure this is a pretty healthy fascination, I do wonder if there are any negative sides of the coin. On the plus side, I worry about possibly being at risk for diabetes. While I don't have any direct family history, my dad has told me about some symptoms that I can relate to and that really frighten me. The main one is the energy crash that comes with a drop in blood sugar levels. For a while there, I'd get shaky, weak and extremely hungry a little before lunch time. Not just once in a while, sometimes several times a week. I also believe I've exhibited some signs of poor circulation which can also be an indicator of diabetes trouble. So... to be as healthy and safe about it as I can, I'm trying to avoid sugar binges and even alcohol binges which also spike your blood sugar levels (and have subsequent period of a drop!) And the exercise helps with that, as has my habit of eating more small meals throughout the day. Though I still struggle with dinner, which is often basically 3-4 meals that go as late as 10 or 11PM...

So I guess the only negative I worry about is that I'm already a picky guy when it comes to girls! And I know I'm not perfect, and I don't look for "perfect" in a girl. As I like to say, I'm picky about the relationship, the chemistry. Not the girl. But being physically attracted is one of the wheels on my love bus and I can't leave the station without it! I am not ONLY superficial though. The fun we have together is really much more important, and being able to converse intelligently, sarcastically and positively. So, the way I see it, anyway, is just that me being healthy removes a bit of the road block for a girl to like me... in other words, she won't dismiss me because I'm not fit like her. Sometimes I wonder if that's why I didn't get fit sooner. If I think I have all aspects of my life pretty figured out and squared away, and I still don't find the right girl, then what's wrong with me?! Now I can find out if that's how it'll happen...

Search For Motivation

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 15:35:15 EST

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I don't really remember a point in my life when this wasn't some kind of struggle. I am not a good worker. Want an example? I'm blogging about work instead of doing it! Now that's not to say I've ever been fired from a full time job because of poor performance, but I have come close. I was once put on a sort of probation period, with bonus scrutiny. The fact that I got that instead of being fired outright could hint towards my value as an employee despite my bad habits, or a flexible employer, or maybe just my ability to hide my flaws. So how did that end? I worked hard when put up against the wall, and came back from that position able to negotiate a raise! Funny how life works, isn't it?

So when did this start? In the beginning, of course. When I was in elementary school, I was usually given some time during school to finish up homework. And I would buzz through it quickly, and I would finish it. Most of the time. But when I didn't, it was unlikely that I would do it at home! As I got older, more and more classes demanded that I spend time outside of class doing work, and my grades slowly slid because of it. I still did well on tests, but the supporting homework grades would hold me back. All the while, I had chores at home, and I wasn't all that diligent about doing those either. There's a name for all this. Lazy. I always put the things I wanted to do before the things I was supposed to. Of course, certain motivation kept me going. Getting spanked is no fun. And I did actually get a thrill out of getting good grades. But my energy was much more often put into creative ways to quickly complete work and move on to something else than it was into making sure I did the best I could do, and that everything was absolutely finished.

Now I still managed to graduate high school, and if I remember correctly I was around 17th out of perhaps 180 students. Not terrible, but a part of me is sure I could have done better. If I wanted to. Now again, I like being thought of as the best, but it just doesn't seem to be in my nature to work that hard to get there. Kind of close to the best seems to be good enough for me, especially if I can get there easily. I feel there may have been something holding me back. Potential. I know, that's ridiculous. But I heard all about my potential from a young age, and for some reason, that drove me nuts. I said "screw potential." I told myself I wouldn't be "the best" because I was tired of hearing about potential. I didn't want to do what others expected of me. I was my own person. And for some reason, my own person didn't care nearly as much as everyone else about what could be squeezed from potential. Of course, that was long ago. More recently, I've finally started to take a look at myself and say... "don't you think maybe you could work a little harder, a little closer to your potential?" See, now it's about me. It's about me being happy with how successfully I make use of my abilities. It's not about showing others what I can do. Well not entirely. I still find myself wondering what people would think about me IF I did something really noteworthy. But that isn't motivation for me. Being happy with myself is. Somewhat. But it still hasn't driven me to really put my nose to the grindstone and do everything I can.

By now, I'm quite used to finding the easy, fast way of doing things. I'm not used to working hard. I'm not really sure how to go about it. I get things kind of sort of mostly done, and I feel accomplished. I lose interest and I find something else to do. And boy do I find other things to do. Sometimes I do things that I don't regret doing. Recently, I got a motorcycle. And boy did I pour myself into that. I studied that manual and I got my permit and I scheduled the safety course and set right to work scouring the internet to find a bike to start out on. The day after completing the course and getting my permit, I was riding my very own bike home. And now I find myself riding every t

Search For Beauty

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 15:59:20 EST

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It actually works. We don't like to admit it, but it works. Hard work does actually produce results. As someone who has weighed as much as 235, someone who took anti-depressants for 18 months, and someone with very real concerns about adult onset diabetes, I can tell you that exercise is an absolutely vital part of your weekly (if not daily) routine. It has improved my physical and emotional state to a place I'm not sure I've been in 5 years.

I started lifting weights about 10 weeks ago. While the results were not immediately evident, about 4 weeks in, it started to kick in. In the past 6 weeks, I've lost 10 lbs. The low blood sugar crashes I had seen as often as every day just before lunch are actually a bit of a distant memory now.

I believe my eating and drinking habits have helped too. I have had a lot less to drink in the past several weeks compared to before. I've started to break lunch into two smaller meals at around noon and 3pm. I've been more selective of what I eat. And when the sweets are broken out, I indulge, but just enough to get some of the delicious flavor in my mouth. I don't really feel any less satisfied eating a few bites of cake instead of a huge piece. And I certainly feel better about the self control, the healthier body, and lately, several comments on my improved appearance!

After a handful of sugar fasting bets, I realized that I put a higher priority on so many things when placed up against the pleasure of eating delicious foods. That isn't to say I never eat anything I like any more, but if it comes down to being able to ride my motorcycle around without getting tired and sore and eating a few extra cookies, it's quite clear which one I'm going to pick. And I will admit that I think about how my appearances could affect how attractive girls might find me, and I would prefer to be in a happy relationship than sit around alone eating Ben & Jerry's all night.

On that line of thought, I do know that I have some level of superficiality in how I view girls. I am attracted to girls that are beautiful and healthy. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I know we are all born different and unique, and that there's so much more to what will make a relationship successful than just physical attraction. But I've also found that it helps out in that respect, too. What girl doesn't want to be found attractive by her boy? Isn't she happier knowing that he wants and desires her? Doesn't the fading of that attraction cause conflict... when there aren't other aspects of the relationship to maintain the bond? Many things to think about... it isn't just one thing. I don't think I'm wrong to want a relationship with someone that I find beautiful, both inside and out.

Brain Dump, Part Two

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 11:37:35 EST

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So to recap this year, I've met or got closer to quite a lot of girls, and I have not been lacking for romantic interests. But I haven't really developed any close, romantic relationships. I've also spent a lot of time with a "new" set of friends, and it has been a blast.

I'm going to pause, because I really feel like my "voice" is missing from my writing this morning. It's very factual and deliberate and frankly, boring. That drives me nuts. I'm barely going to find this interesting to re-read, and I can't imagine what my anonymous audience must think. Maybe I can spice it up, despite the "dump" nature of it.

So basically, life is good, but who's ever content with "good" so here I am, trying to do something useful... useful to me, anyway. Oh, right, so I got a motorcycle, and I really can't get enough of it. Rather many of the people I know have commented that they never saw me as a "motorcycle guy" but I really have to disagree. I feel like it's exactly right for me. I've gotten so comfortable being on my bike that it feels like I should have always been there. On the flip side, I have a feeling riding at a younger, less mature age really could have been a bad, bad idea. For a long time, I warned myself that the ability to go fast on a motorcycle would tempt me into trouble, and that kept me from taking the leap. Now, for whatever reason, I've jumped over that self imposed hurdle. The initial nervousness of riding has subsided, and I'm finding myself comfortable experimenting with fun but safe speeds to take turns and enjoy the power on the straights. Fortunately, the ever present voice in my head reminds me that I'm not on the streets alone. Riding a bike safely is very much about being defensive, being prepared for the unexpected. So I will continue to do my best to keep myself in check.

So while my social situation hasn't been bad, I still find myself essentially lacking a "best friend" or someone that could be my "regular" buddy for fun activities during the week or even on slow weekends. Of course, I have plenty of things I could do around the house. Painting my fence is going very slowly, and the gate still needs rebuilt. My sunshade now needs removed or repaired. I let my decent flower beds fall back into disarray, and I get behind on mowing regularly. I'd still really like that "best friend" though. I've read several times now that the happiest people are the ones with a good number of close relationships. So I'll continue trying to allow myself to get close to the friends I have, and hope I can have a good, local best friend (or two).

I'll end this, for now, and secretly hope that my blog has not be lost in the ether, and that I can get feedback that is entertaining or helpful or simply nice to get.

Brain Dump, Part One

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 11:25:38 EST

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Maybe I've gone long enough without posting that everyone that used to read this forgot it exists, and I can tell myself I'm writing anonymously. Of course, I provided RSS feeds, and some of my friends are clever enough to use those. At any rate, I haven't done any sort of journal entry in quite a while, and I feel like it might be good for me. Or wake my brain up. Or at least pass some time at work. Maybe it'll even help me sort out some thoughts and feelings.

Timing is interesting. Looking back at my last post, I was dabbling with ideas about a girl that I had some interest in and considered dating off and on this spring. Since then, we've solidified our friendship, and clarified it as just that. I see also mentioning a lack of focus on one girl. Well... that has really changed, and is why I mention timing. Just two days later some things started to unfold. To back up a little, there is this girl I met and saw at a few parties at my friend's place, and we became contacts online, but really didn't interact. But I did invite her to my birthday party, and another party after that. I really didn't know her, but we did talk just a little online, and she expressed interest in coming out to my soccer games. So two days after my previous post, she came to one. And of our two mutual friends that play with me, one was absent, and she said she didn't even realize the other was on my team. It struck me that she might actual be there just to see me! So over the next couple of days, I struck up conversation online, and another two days later she was coming over to watch movies!

I quickly became smitten and kind of let emotions and self control run amok. She warned me that she likes to take things slow, but I doted on her and kept in constant contact, and before long, my brain shut down completely, and I started worrying too much about things, acting a little awkward when she came over for a group movie night, and saying stupid things via text message. So, just two weeks after that first movie night, she sent me a message online telling me that it didn't seem likely that we would end up dating, as romantic feelings really weren't developing.

While there are ample details about my thoughts and the events following this, I'll spare you those, and summarize. Basically, despite all this, I have focused my attention on this girl, and continue to do so. We are what I consider close friends now, and whatever happens, I'm very happy. I do wish that school and work and schoolwork didn't make it so tough for us to spend time together, though! As I get to know her, my feelings for her only deepen. Perhaps it is a tragic trap I am setting for myself. Perhaps I am making her a happier person, and maybe her feelings for me will develop. I can't possibly know, but I know I am only interested in her.

Since I think I'll change topics now, I'll start a new post.

My Inconsistencies

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 09:16:37 EST

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It's been a while since I've written anything resembling a blog. I've been having a good couple of months. They've flown by. But I feel like I'm on a downward facing slope right now, if not a cliff at the end of a long climb. It's just a feeling. It will pass. I know I have a lot of good in my life right now. I know it won't blink out of existence. But I also have a feeling of something missing. A bitter feeling that I'm being cheated somehow. But it is foolish to blame the outside world for the situations I build for myself.

For several months, I've been interested in several girls, and apparently they've been interested in return. But I won't let myself be directly focused on just one. I've kept them all at arm's length while trying to keep them all close to see how things would go. And one by one, either I would decide that they weren't right for me, or they would decide to stop letting me tug them along like this for one reason or another.

So I feel I'm back to the beginning now. It wasn't a bad experience, and I'm glad it happened. I just feel a little lost right now. I feel a little worried that if, out of this great set of girls in my life, I can't find one I can let myself get really close to, how could I ever find one like that. I feel like there's just something standing in the way of me feeling the intimacy of a relationship I can't even remember ever feeling any more. And a part of me is sure that whatever it is, it's of my own doing. My choices have put up a barrier, and now I can't seem to get past it.

There's this one girl I like. I feel like something really good could be just around the corner. But there always seems to be something or someone keeping us from making any sort of meaningful leap. Even though I've been enjoying the attention and affection and flirting of several girls, when she does the same with other guys, I find myself really upset and hurt. And perhaps that's how she's feeling on the other end of things. But then I find myself on the edge. Do I let myself really put my heart into her, pursue her, push all the other girls away, and make it clear that she's the only one I'm interested in? What if she really is only interested in the superficial flirting aspect of a relationship? What if she wants to continue doing what she's doing now? What if I want to, too? What if I still can't let go of this fun phase of life? Is a relationship worth letting go of that? I can't answer these questions. I'm afraid I just don't know what to do, or even what I want to happen.

Financial Year In Review

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 11:33:59 EST

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Back at the end of May, I started taking a snap shot of all of my account values so I could come up with an estimated net worth.

Since that time, I spent nearly six thousand dollars on a new heat pump, started paying for a home refinance, bought new tires and watched the stock market dive, taking a big chunk of value out of my 401(k). I also got my biggest Christmas bonus (technically profit share) of my career, zeroed out my credit card debt, and started saving up for a mattress purchase.

After seven months of tracking my accounts, I've increased my net worth by just over eight... thousand... dollars! That means I averaged a positive cash flow of over one thousand dollars every month, even with all those negative marks on my budget. That feels pretty good.

Coming into this year, I'm refinancing my mortgage at a much lower rate and a shorter term. This means that my month to month balances will improve that much faster. I'll be saving over $160 each month in interest, and that compounds over time, so it'll actually be more as time goes on. I plan to pay off my car loan by the end of the year, for additional interest savings, and to really increase the amount of money I can put into savings each month.

The trick is to keep spending (a lot) less than I earn. And well, there's really no trick to that. There are methods though. I limit "reckless" spending to a preset amount each month, placed in a separate account I call my allowance. That money is spent on lunches and eating out and socializing and buying toys. As long as I'm sticking to that preset amount, I feel no guilt, and I won't break my budget! I also try to optimize in other ways. The debts I have are low interest, and with the exception of the car loan, the interest payments are tax deductible! Money is kept in relatively high yield savings accounts. I am not maximizing my 401(k) yet, but I do put in the maximum amount that gets matched by my employer. That also saves me money on taxes. And I take opportunities to get bonuses, such as opening an ING Electric Orange for an extra $50, and earning about 2% overall cashback on my credit card (which I pay off each month and pay no interest on).

Sometimes I worry that maybe I'm not spending *enough* on myself, that I might squeeze too hard and snap. But I also remember that while I'm a little "deprived" now (and I use that word loosely), I'm making a big difference in my future. A positive cash flow now increases over time, and a really large cash flow in my future will allow me to not only be better prepared for retirement, but also allow me to increase the amount I put into my disposable income. Anyway, here's to another year of living life while also being fiscally responsible!

Happy New Year!

Seasons

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 10:56:09 EST

1 comment

Is history just repeating itself for me? My behavior and activities follow patterns. Some are short term. Maybe every week I go out for drinks with some co-workers. Hopefully, every week, I make it to the gym. Other things are long term. I work at a job for 2-3 years before moving on. I do the same with a car. Or where I live.

Are my patterns changing? I bought a brand new car. Surely I'll hold on to that longer than the usual 18-24 months. Right? I bought a house. I can't just pick up and go after a year, when my lease would be up. And I really like my job. Good perks. Good environment. Lots of friends. (Hopefully the economy won't sabotage this good thing!)

I'd like to think I'm stabilizing. You might even say I'm settling down. I don't know. I still find myself neurotic and paranoid at times. And some patterns seem to go back farther than I realize, when I read my old blogs. I am kind of a "nice guy" in how I approach women. And I seem to spend most of my time around girls that are already in relationships. I'm attracted to the unattainable and impossible.

And even when I find myself in a relationship, I find it so ridiculous that it could really be happening that I question reality. I deem myself unlovable. I assume that this, too, is destined to end in failure. I can't seem to take my own advice and see things at face value instead of analyzing and questioning.

Perhaps it is a self-fulfilling destiny. And a self-defeating attitude.

Positive Cashflow

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 14:45:50 EST

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I tried to figure out my cash flow before, but I wasn't thinking in terms of the overall change in my net worth. But I create XLS spreadsheets for just about every idea I have. I created one where I record the balance of each account at the end of the day on the first of each month. I only have balances for the past six months so far. The first four are real rocky and the net change in that time span is $32.19 in the negative! The simple explanation is that I spent nearly $6000 on the heat pump for my house. But then it gets interesting. From month four to month six, my net worth jumped a whopping $3900. I thought this might be a mistake, but after poring over the numbers and formulas, I decided to copy one of my cash flow sheets and adjust it not to show payments towards things like the mortgage and cars, but simply things that change my net worth. So instead of a car payment, I show the amount of interest paid. Same with student loans and my mortgage. I include all income including paychecks, retirement contributions (and company match) and the rent paid to me by roommates. I include outgoing payments like utilities, groceries and any other expenditure that doesn't reduce my debts. Shockingly, my income exceeds my expenditures by $1900! I still can't believe that's real. I haven't been this healthy financially... ever! At least, I don't think so. Maybe when I first started working full time, I may have expenses small enough to make up the difference, but I doubt it. Now I have a new way to compare financial health to my friend and co-worker. We turn lots of things into competitions, like not eating sugar for 17 days (and counting)! I'm curious to see how her positive cash flow stacks up!

Money in the Mind

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 14:59:40 EST

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I don't want to jinx myself, but I've been doing a good job of controlling my spending. Well, mostly. I bought a new suit for a funeral, and I didn't really have to. It's just that I've been under dressed for a lot of events before, and didn't want to repeat that embarrassment. I mean, I'm sure family would overlook that, if they'd even notice, especially at an event of that nature, but then I thought I'd need a suit anyway for an upcoming holiday party. So I bought it, and it's been bouncing around in my head since. I even felt a little sick about it for the first day or two, and even now, weeks later, I debate the decision, and wonder if I could and should return it. But I've bought very little else. To aid in this, I no longer let myself visit http://slickdeals.net/ while I'm at work. I still visit http://www.woot.com/ but since there's only "one" deal each day, it's a lot less likely that I will succumb to temptation.

I set up allowance accounts back when I was dating Emilie (as recommended by my therapist!) and it's something I kept after we parted ways. I don't always stick to it (the suit, for example), but most "wants" come out of the allowance. Dining out, drinks with friends, grabbing lunch instead of packing, and buying new clothes all comes from the allowance fund. That money is spent however I like, guilt free. Of course, when I cheat, I feel some guilt! When I don't cheat, my budget actually turns out the way I thought it would, and it's actually a pretty healthy budget. Since I don't have any credit card debt, I am currently putting $200/month into my growing emergency fund, $130/month into an irregular expenses fund (to deal with quarterly, semi-annual and annual expenses like some utilities and basic car maintenance, as well as less frequent things like tires and appliances), and $250/month extra towards my mortgage.

I think about all of this a lot, and tweak things all the time. Only a month ago, the plan was to put that mortgage money into a high yield savings account so I could afford to refinance if interest rates dropped. But I realized that since I still owe more than 80% of my home value, I need the balance to decrease anyway, and if a good enough rate comes along, it'll be OK to roll the closing costs into the refinance... as long as the total is less than 80%. And though I do enjoy some liquidity, I also wanted to get a little more bang for my buck, so I started a CD ladder with the "excess" in my emergency fund. Every month (for a year), I'll put $200 in a new 12 month CD. Once they are all created, I'll let each one roll into a new CD, unless I need extra money that month... for an emergency. It's kind of funny knowing that after a year, that single $200 CD will only earn $8.50. But the whole ladder could be earning over $100, and the interest will compound over the years. The other day, a piece of my neighbors opened mail (or trash) blew over to my yard, and I saw that it was a notification of a CD maturing. What was once $500 was now over $800. I wonder how long the CD existed! At any rate (pun!), I could possibly create a larger ladder down the line, if I have enough in the emergency fund.

Please Make The Freelance Stop

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 14:22:55 EST

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I am very tired. I'm not sure if I had a pinch too much sugar last night, as I drank a few gulps of 100% fruit juice, but I laid in bed exhausted but unable to fall asleep. I did not have coffee late in the afternoon! The last thing I ate was raisin bran, though that was somewhat late at night.

Now I'm having coffee, and it's later in the afternoon than I'd like, but my head is hurting a little, and I haven't been productive at all today. My schedule is terrible, dooming me to a low percentage of hours I can bill this week.

I watched a movie last week, and wrote a review and analysis, but I was pretty tired when I wrote it. Still, I want to get back into that, but I haven't found time yet. I did kill some time playing Civilization: Revolutions over the weekend, but the biggest problem in my life for the past several months has been freelance. Now I really haven't put much of my time into it, because I'm really never in the mood for it. So one little project that wasn't supposed to go beyond May and perhaps June is still dragging on, with increasingly dire messages from my freelance client. But I just can't focus on freelance for long at home without getting rather annoyed with it all. And whenever I'm not doing it, I'm feeling guilty instead of really relaxing and resting and enjoying whatever I'm doing. I want the freelance to go away, but it just lingers, needing my devotion to the project for resolution. As a bonus, I stupidly accepted another project after that, which is dragging in the same way. I should have learned when to say "no". Now, I can't figure out how to make it go away. The easy answer is to complete the work, but it's the last thing I ever want to do when I'm home. I can almost trick myself sometimes into believing it's still a hobby of mine, and that I have some interest in it, but then I see the site I'm working on, and all the disorganized tasks and bugs and requests my client has thrown at me, and my frustration returns rapidly. I just wish he'd find someone else to finish the job by now!

Big Costs

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 14:42:15 EST

6 comments

So as a homeowner, I was pretty fortunate for the first eleven months. But now my central air conditioner (which is a heat pump) has sprung a leak in a critical area. My first estimate was one of the phone calls that woke me up this morning and put me in such a terrible mood. The low estimate for a straight 2 ton replacement unit was $4100. To upgrade the unit and connect the third bedroom adds a whopping $1800 to that bill.

Anyway, I happen to have a pretty good financial situation. I don't actually have much socked away right now, but I do have easy access to a good amount of low interest credit. I can put $2500 on my 4.9% Visa (which would need paid off by December 2009) and the rest can be rolled into a refinance of my car at 3.49%. I'd put it all on the car, but I'd rather use the Visa and be able to pay it off quickly and keep my monthly budget in check.

Passion Fruit

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 10:36:02 EST

1 comment

The other day I realized something. I realized what is missing from my life. Passion. I used to be passionate about lots of things. And I thought maybe I was stretching myself too thin. I was passionate about what I do at work, and I even did it at home and earned extra income. I was passionate about photography, so I took lots of photos and uploaded them to my web site regularly. I was passionate about my web site, so I kept it fresh and active. I was passionate about video games so I played them and bought new ones and showed them to people when they visited. I was passionate about building computers, so I upgraded mine and built and upgraded them for friends and family.

I don't feel passionate about those things any more. I enjoy watching movies and reruns of Scrubs, but it's just something to pass the time when I get home, because I'm not motivated to do anything. I'm rather behind on a freelance project because I don't feel this desire to do it and do it well and do it fast.

Well, I have to get some work done so this is going to be a short entry.

Always Working For The Future

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 16:28:53 EST

2 comments

Last week, in preparation for my second and final roommate, I moved everything out of the third bedroom that had been used as an office and guest bedroom. In general, it felt like a productive week, though I definitely fell behind on freelance. One of the things I did was finally make use of a computer part bought about six months ago, and I set up my computer in my bedroom. It had been used very sparingly, replaced by a more convenient laptop which could be used in the less remote feeling living room or bedroom. But with the computer running more quietly and well within reach, I began to use it again. And it was kind of intoxicating. I stayed up late several nights since then, often just bouncing around the web, finding ways to make the most of two 22" screens, or listening to music on the 400 Watt speakers. All of this in what may be the eighth or ninth week since I stopped going to the gym. My energy levels are plummeting and I haven't been able to think clearly or find motivation at work.

I have my contact case with me today, and I'm going to the gym in a short while. I plan to run for a while, and then I might lift some weights, too. I don't want to go overboard, because I want the experience to be positive, encouraging me to continue to go regularly for the remaining few evenings I have this week before going on a three day road trip that will separate me from the gym. I should get quantifiable amounts of freelance done, too, since I'll also be on a camp site, unable to get any work accomplished.

I'm really hoping I get back into the habit of visiting the gym. While I'm pretty sure my previous stint robbed me of muscle since I did so much running and so little lifting, the exercise is still quite a positive part of my life. I have stress that needs relieving, metabolism that needs increasing and unnecessary fat that needs burning. My mind needs cleared and my energy levels need to be restored. And being single at twenty nine (shortly), my self esteem could use just a little boost from an improved body image.

The thing that's really worrying me is that I thought I might be in the beginning stages of a potentially special relationship, but the lack of energy and clarity may have put up a large roadblock that I'll now need to overcome just to resume forward progress. The timing isn't good, and the stress and worrying will only serve to be self-defeating.

I'll also hope that this road trip and mini-vacation serves well to help me relax and get back in the game.

Killing Time

Mon, 19 May 2008 13:25:50 EST

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I used to really like having people over. Lately every time I have visitors, I feel really awkward. It stresses me out, and I'm relieved when people leave. I don't seem to have the first clue about how to entertain any more. I am really frustrated by this.

I'm super tired today, and kind of depressed and grumpy. I have no motivation and I'm annoyed by just about everything. I'm lonely and I feel like an outcast. I don't remember the last time I had a close friend. When I go home, I will probably kill all kinds of time staring at the TV because I've become way too lazy to do chores or freelance or to go run errands or go to the gym. I haven't been to the gym in about five weeks.

I don't have any goals. The future is meaningless to me. My entire life has been reduced to killing time.

Cure For Lethargy?

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 23:42:47 EST

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At work, the only thing keeping me going is that I've been put on some team projects, so I'm held accountable. In other words, when you're sitting next to someone, you're kind of forced to push through and get work done. Sitting alone in my cubicle, I can kill time, sometimes even closing my eyes and nodding off.

At home, TV continues to wreak havoc. Of course, that's just an excuse. An outlet. But I have so many things to do. I need to sharpen the mower blades and put thicker oil in, and then tackle my backyard jungle. I need to move furniture around. I need to brush Frodo, and I'm way overdue for vacuuming. And I should clean the kitchen and bathroom. And when is the last time I made a proper dinner or packed my lunch? And now I've got a freelance project to work on. I finally sent some invoices tonight. Some of those were probably six months overdue. And since I haven't properly tracked my time all those months, I probably charged way less than I could have. Oh yes, and I printed an amended tax return for this year, since freelances finally caught up to me in that area. But I have to actually send it in.

I'm gearing up for having a new roommate. Of course the old ones have only been gone about four days. But maybe having a new roommate will spur me to action. Or maybe I'll have some people over. That usually gets me to clean, even if some of that "cleaning" is "tidying" by piling stuff in some room I don't use much. I want to organize my basement workshop, with proper shelves and spaces for everything. And while I'm down there, I need to tear apart the failed home server and prepare that motherboard for RMA.

And all over the house, old mail has piled up, useless, but a part of me feels the need to go through it all before I toss it or shred it. Amid those messes of paper are other things set aside for later, all needing a proper place, more often than not in the trash. Even the recyclable basket is overflowing. I merely need to take it out and put a new bag in. But when will that happen? Even my living room has reached a record level of clutter. Blankets and clothes, electronics and books, magazines and mail... all just sitting on the coffee table and even the couch.

I never claimed to be clean, but for so long, I held on to believing that I was at least tidy. But now I'm overwhelmed with my failure to maintain a tidy place. Of course the negative thoughts of a defeatist will not do well for driving me to succeed and recover. I will do it. I don't yet know what the trigger will be, but I have a feeling it will come from within, and with every small success, I will be more motivated to continue onward and complete the tasks before me.

Unfocused Thoughts

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 12:13:22 EST

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What is with the grass? It's growing like... weeds. I have to mow again, but my evenings are really busy all week. Yesterday should have been the day, but I took a long nap instead. And stayed up late, and had difficulty sleeping! I think right now my body is trying to disassociate the few nights I've had so far where anxiety ruled and sleep was hard to come by. Until then, my bed isn't the place of relaxation I need it to be. I did drink coffee today, which I haven't been doing lately. The weak logic here is that maybe if I'm more awake during the day, I'll sleep better at night.

My eyes seem to be doing well, mostly. Stuff isn't bothering me as much lately, and they aren't hurting all the time. I wore contacts yesterday, and they were a bit on the dry side, but that isn't really new. I do still see flashes out of the same place in my left eye, but apparently it's just something to get used to, as the vitreous continues to tug a bit on my retina. I went back in on Monday just to be safe, and they said everything looks good. And I have another checkup in about two weeks.

My house is a mess right now. I don't exactly blame the roommates, but doing so is helpful for making me feel better! I just tell myself that I'll do everything I need to do once they are out, because I'll have that downstairs living room in which I can store lots of furniture. Then I can reallocate shelves as needed, and go through some of the clutter that has been building up. And I can start hacking away at some minor landscaping outside, and hopefully clean up cigarette butts for the final time. I'm thinking vacuuming should be a priority, because I still strongly suspect that I have some minor eye irritation stemming from allergies such as the pet dander. It would help if I brushed that hairy beast of mine more often, too. My Roomba only cleans the kitchen on a daily basis, but even so it is usually full to the brim of pet hair (thus my weak justification for that purchase).

Speaking of... I have been doing pretty well with controlling my budget and adjusting to life without freelance income, not to mention the forward looking expectations of life without roommate income! Interest rates have dropped again, so I refinanced my car... again. I'm rolling one of my credit cards into it. It wasn't high interest, but higher than the new loan, and that rate expired in December and jumped some more. And besides, the reason that card had money on it in the first place was because I used my cash rewards card to pay for some of my car, and then transferred it to that card since the balance transfer rate was the same as my car loan. But it really is car debt, so it helps to keep it in a single loan. My monthly debt payments are a little higher now, but not by too much, and theoretically, that combined with lower interest is a good formula for relatively big savings on interest.

I do hope to get a new roommate or two, though, and I am expecting a raise June 1st, and my laptop will be paid off (interest free loan through work) as of December 12th. Those things will all help my monthly budget out, if I can continue to keep my expenses and spending within the budget, but in addition, I might also look into adjusting my federal tax withholdings, since this will be my first year of being able to deduct a full years' worth of mortgage interest. I have a feeling I would be due a large refund if I leave things as it is, but I prefer to increase my income now, to pay off debts and reap the benefits of interest savings myself instead of giving that opportunity to the IRS.

Unless I do manage to really cut spending, though, without roommates, I don't have any money going into savings on a regular basis. That bothers me a lot. Most of my life, I lived that way, but over the past two years or so, I've had automatic savings plans, and I've found it quite helpful. Without it, I might not have my house or paid off so much of my car. I'd pr

On A Positive Note

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 13:44:41 EST

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This week seems to be picking up. I had a "career lattice" meeting yesterday, which is something new here at work. It gives us an idea where we are now, where we can go, and what we can do to advance. I got a lot of positive feedback in the meeting, and my manager seemed to hint that my upcoming pay raise will make me happy. I wasn't really expecting or counting on a pay raise, which might sound to odd to some people that obsess over these things, but I guess I kind of enjoy the limits that can be put on my responsibility (and culpability) when my pay isn't sky high. And I wasn't budgeting for any kind of raise. I've been cutting corners and trying to keep things tight, so any kind of increase in income is quite welcome and helpful. And as a bonus, literally, my manager gave me a card today thanking me for a job well done meeting with a client recently, and it included cash money! I got that card just after visiting the eye doctor. My eyes seem to be doing just fine now, with no new issues or problems with the surgery. And the only person to poke and prod was the same doctor that performed the surgery, and though she's the only one to whip out the probe that pushes at my eyelids to pop my eyeballs out a bit so she can see the inside front of my eyes, she's really efficient and manages to leave my eyes feeling relatively abuse free. And I just churned through some tasks here at work, which leaves me feeling productive and capable. I'm also looking forward to a lunch meeting I'm having next week, but that's all I'm going to say about that.