A timid return?
Monday, March 29, 2010
Holy crap, I haven't been here in a long time. So, let's see how the next two months go. I am finally giving up credit cards. Well, almost. I'm going to let my online payments for cable, TV, cell phone and the gym continue to charge to my card, and I'll continue paying that off each month. But gas and groceries will come directly out of my checking account. So I only carry my debit card to buy those things. If I don't have the cash, I don't buy it. So that at least should keep me from cheating on my allowance by buying expensive dinners and rounds of drinks even when my allowance is spent. It doesn't address buying things online, but having that card put away in a drawer and "off limits" will hopefully be enough of a psychological deterrent. If I do well, I may reward myself with a slightly higher allowance. After all, I should be able to afford to. April is the month I pay off my car!
As for buying rounds of drinks and cases for parties, that hopefully won't be an issue for the next two months, because my best friend and I are going to detox and go without drinking until June 1st. It may be tough. Today I was at a social committee meeting, at a bar. And I saw all the events coming up that I would normally drink at. And I'm hanging out with a girl on Friday, and I can't drink then either. But I have some people to hold myself accountable to, and some determination. I think it'll help with a lot of things. I'll get the depressant out of my body. I'll get some of the excess habits out of my mind. I'll consume less calories and spend less money. Maybe by June 1st, I'll be hesitant to resume drinking. It's hard to say.
So I'm curious to see how well I do with placing these hefty limitations on myself. I hope it doesn't make me feel too limited, tempted to rebel and go to an extreme. I hope I find myself doing more creative things, like spending time outside, enjoying low cost activities and finding more time to exercise and even relax.
Pleasure
Thursday, November 05, 2009
What is pleasure? Is that why we live? Where do you get pleasure? I know, for many people, eating is a big source of pleasure. I enjoy eating. I like brownies and icing and chocolate and ice cream. But I decided this summer that I didn't need the pleasure of eating as much as I wanted to have a healthier body. My logic is that my healthier body will let me get some other pleasures that I value more than eating. Do you see where I'm going with this?
Well relax, I don't know if I'll talk about that. I will talk about how I do enjoy compliments though. I'm even quite guilty of fishing for them at times. I also enjoy doing physical outdoor activities. I like going for hikes and swimming or just walking around somewhere cool. I like playing soccer, and I've been thinking that I'm excited to give soccer another shot this spring with a few less pounds to carry around, and hopefully some increased endurance as I continue to add cardio to my workouts.
But back on that other topic, and I've mentioned this before... I do find myself looking at very attractive girls and wanting to be attractive to them. I think about having a beautiful girlfriend. Is that what holds me back from being in any sort of relationship? I'm not saying I want a "trophy wife" but at the same time, I guess I still care enough about what other people think that I feel like I need to have a girlfriend that is universally attract enough to make people think highly of me.
Stop Searching
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Try being girl crazy for the better part of 30 years sometime. They tell me that when you stop looking for your better half, you'll find it. It's a nice phrase, but I think the best translation of that is just that you can't predict when it'll happen. And I'm not a big believer of destiny and fate, so I don't even believe there's any certainty it will happen. On the other hand, if you actually focus on yourself, and make sure your own life is interesting enough to keep you occupied and entertained without someone else leading you everywhere, you'll hopefully be doing fun things that lead to meeting people. Plus you'll also seem interesting, because you're active and doing things you care about.
I've never really been that way. Whenever I list interests, I end up including "girls". And a million other things. But nothing I'm all that passionate about. I saw a status message on Facebook last night that read "Decide what to be and go be it." I haven't really decided what I want to be yet. Yes, I've had a steady occupation for the better part of ten years now. TEN YEARS! I've been in software, making web applications and database for ten years. Recently, I've started to shift gears in this crazy corporate world towards becoming something we call a "technical project manager." That means less development and more planning and maybe even managing. In other words, being really organized. More importantly, it means I can use my brains to make projects go smoothly without doing the grunt work. My intention is to make sure the specifications I provide for a project are useful enough to keep developer frustration to a minimum and make sure the client gets what they expect. It's actually all pretty exciting to me, and I am eager to make it go well. But I don't know if I'd say I'm passionate about it.
When I did freelance web development, I played the part of salesman, project manager, technical project manager and developer. And in a pinch, designer. Yikes! And I really liked overseeing the project. The work I went into scoping out and estimating a project meant that development was just a simply matter of following a checklist and executing on a plan that was already developed. At my full time jobs, the details are usually much more sparse. The plan is left up to the developer, and sometimes what gets done isn't really what was expected. It's a mess I hope to clean up.
But that doesn't really answer the question of what I might be passionate about. That doesn't make me an interesting person! I've tried to figure out that on several occasions, but I guess the trick is to DO more things and see what I really get into. I'm definitely glad I went forward with getting a motorcycle. I love to ride! And I'm sad that the riding season has ended so quickly after I've started. I really look forward to spring! I also like driving, too. And my car is fun to drive. But then it's illegal to do anything too fun on the road. I should look into Autocross. But ideally I'd buy a cheap beater car that I can race on the track rather than destroying my daily driver! Another expensive hobby. I like things like riding bike and hiking and swimming and photography. But I like variety! I like doing a little of everything. It's just hard to become fully immersed in anything with all the different things I do. I love movies. I even have a blog where I used to watch movies and review and analyze them and even try to apply their message to my own life. But how interesting is someone who spends all their time watching movies? I like computers and sometimes gaming, but I really seem to have lost passion for games, especially solo but even sometimes for competitive games. And I love just being social and hanging out with people and joking around. I enjoy deep conversations. I love it all. And I still can't get past the idea that if I just found the right person to do all those things with me, it would all be even better. But living this way doesn't seem to be lending itself to finding that person.
How do I stop looking? How do I find something if I'm not out looking? How do I appear interesting to other people? Where is my passion? What does my future hold?
Call That Vacation?
Thursday, October 15, 2009
So I went on vacation. How relaxing that must be? I thought about leaving my laptop behind, but made an excuse at the last minute that I needed my laptop to charge my phone, since I left my AC charger at work. And I couldn't leave my phone behind, could I? I brought books to read and paper to write my thoughts on. I went alone, though I was open to having someone come with me.
On the drive there, my chest started to hurt. This, combined with some weirdness with my heart rate at the gym led to a vicious cycle of anxiety... which maintained the chest pain. My chest hurt off an on for the entire vacation, and still hasn't fully recovered. When I went swimming, which admittedly isn't something I do much anyway, my chest was pounding from the exertion. But I still managed to relax after my swims, dozing off at the side of the pool!
With an emergency to deal with at home, some boredom and loneliness and a heap of anxiety about my heart, I left vacation the night before I would have had to check out and headed home. I got home, dealt with the emergency and had a restless night of sleep. But in the morning, I got an early doctor's appointment, and before long I was finding that my blood pressure, heart rate and EKG were all quite normal and healthy. In fact, my blood pressure hasn't been this low in a long time. I was given a prescription for nerve pills which I dropped off, but I haven't picked up yet. I don't want to lean on them too hard.
With my clean bill of health, my chest pain has gradually subsided, and I'm feeling much more at ease. I slept relatively well last night. I feel pretty good today. Work is slow (hey I'm blogging!) but I'm not too worried. I have a few more tests coming up to double check my health, and I think I'll find that I'm doing well and can relax about my health. Oh, and on my trip, I ate mostly fruits, plus some yogurt and carrots. That, along with my anxiety helped me shed a few more pounds. I'm very close to a healthy BMI and the range of healthy body fat I've been hoping to hit for many years now.
It's been a very difficult week, but even before this week started, I decided that the tough things happening in my life are challenges that I will gladly face and emerge from stronger and more confident. I am driven to succeed despite whatever external factors are thrown at my life. I will remain positive and I will overcome life's little roadblocks. In a way, one goal of my vacation, which was further self discovery, was accomplished! Now for some good relaxation time!
Search For Self Worth
Thursday, October 08, 2009
One article I read says that we have a healthy, unblemished self worth from birth, but by around age 8, it starts to change based on our environment. We start to believe that our value depends on external factors, accomplishments, possessions and how we are viewed by others.
I'm not sure what age I was when my own self worth began to devolve. I do know, though, that during those formative years, I was attending elementary school. I was unpopular. I was mocked. I felt like an outsider. I felt like someone who doesn't get to be part of the crowd and have relationships with friends and significant others. I have spent my life since then fighting against the tide of this belief I've held to my core. I've worked towards financial success, owning material possessions, accumulating friends and being desired by girls. I've tried to succeed at "everything I control."
I thought that doing all this would give me everything I have wanted all my life. That I would feel great about myself and my accomplishments. That it would make others think highly of me. But all along, there was a huge puzzle piece missing.
Self-esteem can perhaps be described as a feeling or view you have of yourself that you base on your own self perception and how you think others perceive you. It is good to have a healthy self-esteem, but as I have learned, you can't just convince yourself of this, without working on the building block that self-esteem rests on. That block is self-worth. This is seeing yourself as worthwhile because of innate value you possess as a living, breathing human being. This is unconditional love for yourself. It is something you are born with but gets hidden by thoughts and feelings we focus on based on our environment. This is the thing I believe I have been missing all these years, and this is something I have to work on recapturing. I don't know how quickly I can bring this belief to the surface and wash away my misdirected feelings and thoughts about how external factors determine my worth. I only know that it is my one pure goal now.
Rebuilding my recognition of self worth will allow me to pursue happiness that is not dependent on achievements and how others view me. I can do things like give to others out of love, be helpful because I know that my help is worthwhile and give advice that can positively influence someone's life. Sure, sometimes those things sound like achievements, but they are things done for their own merit alone, and not the recognition you might hope for.