Search For Self Worth
Thursday, October 08, 2009 5:31:11 PM
One article I read says that we have a healthy, unblemished self worth from birth, but by around age 8, it starts to change based on our environment. We start to believe that our value depends on external factors, accomplishments, possessions and how we are viewed by others.
I'm not sure what age I was when my own self worth began to devolve. I do know, though, that during those formative years, I was attending elementary school. I was unpopular. I was mocked. I felt like an outsider. I felt like someone who doesn't get to be part of the crowd and have relationships with friends and significant others. I have spent my life since then fighting against the tide of this belief I've held to my core. I've worked towards financial success, owning material possessions, accumulating friends and being desired by girls. I've tried to succeed at "everything I control."
I thought that doing all this would give me everything I have wanted all my life. That I would feel great about myself and my accomplishments. That it would make others think highly of me. But all along, there was a huge puzzle piece missing.
Self-esteem can perhaps be described as a feeling or view you have of yourself that you base on your own self perception and how you think others perceive you. It is good to have a healthy self-esteem, but as I have learned, you can't just convince yourself of this, without working on the building block that self-esteem rests on. That block is self-worth. This is seeing yourself as worthwhile because of innate value you possess as a living, breathing human being. This is unconditional love for yourself. It is something you are born with but gets hidden by thoughts and feelings we focus on based on our environment. This is the thing I believe I have been missing all these years, and this is something I have to work on recapturing. I don't know how quickly I can bring this belief to the surface and wash away my misdirected feelings and thoughts about how external factors determine my worth. I only know that it is my one pure goal now.
Rebuilding my recognition of self worth will allow me to pursue happiness that is not dependent on achievements and how others view me. I can do things like give to others out of love, be helpful because I know that my help is worthwhile and give advice that can positively influence someone's life. Sure, sometimes those things sound like achievements, but they are things done for their own merit alone, and not the recognition you might hope for.
Friday, October 16, 2009 5:27:18 PM
First of all, I doubt the accuracy of that article. Unblemished self-worth was definitely not a part of my list of characteristics during the first 8 years of my life. I was about 4 when I realized that I wanted to be valuable as a human being but just wasn't. I truly believed that nobody really liked me, and anybody who was nice to me was just trying to use me or put up with me, and sadly, I've met other young children who appear to feel that way. Sometimes I still catch myself feeling that way, which is when I need to sit down and give myself a good talking-to.
It wasn't until about a year ago that I finally felt deeply like I was worth anything. Honestly, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't worthless by getting to know "important" people. If somebody impressed me, I got to know them, learned about them, and eventually realized that they weren't actually any better than me. In most cases they were just as screwed up as I was. We all just show our screwed-up-ness in different ways. I now have a hobby of trying to find the flaws in perfection, especially in seemingly perfect people. I love flaws. They make us real. So I started pretending as-if. If I weren't worthless, what would I do? And I decided to just do it. After all, those "perfect" and "important" people weren't any better than I was, so why should I let the "I'm not good enough" feelings keep me from doing what I wanted or being who I wanted to be. They, the important people, weren't good enough either. I have to say, once I started just "doing," the "feeling" emerged on it's own.
Of course, I'm a perfectionist, so nothing I do will ever be good enough, but I've decided that I'm OK with that because my "not good enough" is hell of a lot better than most people's "best." Nobody ever really thinks they're good enough anyhow. Not one of the famous artists, scientists, politicians, etc. has looked at their efforts or the events in their life and said, "Hey, that was all perfect." Einstein, Van Gogh, DaVinci, Franklin, etc. They all felt inadequate too. I don't think anyone truly feels 100% worthy without being mentally ill. Humbleness is healthy, and being humble comes from feeling like "I don't really deserve this academy award or nobel prize. There must have been a mistake."
So what makes me feel worthy? Telling people that I care about them (and meaning it), even if I feel like they don't care about me. Telling people when I'm impressed or proud of something they've done, even if they think my opinion is unimportant. Helping somebody and not expecting anything in return. Forgiving and understanding people who have hurt me (because they're probably hurting too). And knowing that I'm doing OK, even if I'm not perfect, because perfect is just an illusion anyhow, so I'd rather be honestly flawed.
By the way, I like you. :-)
Kristen