Deception
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
One time when I was in college, I met a girl at a party. Nothing really happened between us, but I kind of thought I liked her. Meeting her also corresponded with this rather unusual obsession I had with Britney Spears, which lasted almost exactly one weekend. I found all the photos of Britney I could on the internet, and I made collages and set either photos or collages as wallpaper, and used other photos for a screen saver. I was hooked. And this girl kind of looked like Britney. Maybe not that much, but at the time I really thought so, and I think in my mind, I connected the two people in some way, and the obsession kind of trickled over to this girl. And the next time I saw her, I was at my college. She was still in high school, but I guess she was visiting the college to check it out. I didn't talk to her, but I saw her during lunch. And it really caught me off guard. I had a bit of an anxiety attack which I naturally confused for love. I wrote a poem about it when I got back to class. Anyway, some time passed, and I ran into the girl at the coffee house, and some conversations later, I learned that she had been interested in me, but now she thought I was a player. That blew my mind. I never thought of myself that way, and I'm still pretty sure I didn't do much of anything that could be confused with playing as far as that girl was concerned. But a train of thought I had today made me look back over my past and think about how I've interacted with girls, and I suddenly realized that I have a history of misleading them. I like lots of girls, on a superficial level, and I don't hide that particularly well. And even when I know that I'm broadcasting that message, I don't try to hide it. Until they show their interest back, and I decide that I'm not as interested as I thought I was. Except I don't always make that clear right away. In fact, in some (maybe most) of my relationships, I decided well before it was over, that I wasn't as interested as I originally thought. But I let it carry on and become a more painful, dramatic event than it really should have been.
There's another more obvious example of deceit. One time I was working at a relatively new job, and there was a girl there with a temporary position doing data entry. We saw each other in the coffee room a few times, and after several smiles, we worked our way up to small talk, and then started having some real chats. She was cute and we got along well. Some of our talking could definitely be considered flirting. But there was a pretty serious problem. I already had a girlfriend. I may have failed to mention that. And I did get my chance. One Friday afternoon, we were talking, and she suggested that we do something after work sometime. Like that evening. And I said I had plans already. And that was true, but I didn't bother pointing out that the plans were with my girlfriend. So I got a weekend to think about this, and then that Monday, we were talking, and I told a short anecdote about something involving "my girlfriend's brother." And then I felt really awkward, excused myself and went to my desk. And things were definitely awkward between us for a while, and we didn't talk nearly as much, and when she stopped working there, I don't think I got as much as a goodbye. I liked her, and that part wasn't deceitful, but there was definitely deception by omission. Considering that I liked her, and that the other relationship did go on to fail (which may come as no surprise if I'm flirting with co-workers) I sometimes wish the whole thing would have happened differently. Like I could have been forthcoming with her but still developed a friendship. Maybe down the line it could have become something more when the time was right.
There have been other examples of me doing this more recently, and I think it's finally opening up my eyes somewhat. I don't think I have trouble attracting girls, but giving off false vibes never leads me where I want to go. Whether I play along for a while for the attention even if I'm not serious about a relationship, or if I omit critical information, the end result is the same. I feel awkward, probably guilty, and I fail to communicate properly with the girls I'm actually interested in.
Progress
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Coffee energy is running through me. My mind is racing a bit. I'm working on this blog. I'm doing it mostly from scratch. Using some pieces from other sites I've done. But I'm not using WordPress or MovableType. I am using some ideas from there, though. I want it to be easy for people to comment, but not for bots. Having a custom site goes a long way in keeping bots out. Simple tricks work because real humans won't bother with a lonely custom site. Comments should be ready soon. But the site is still ugly. I'd like to clean up the look and add comments in a logical, natural way.
I got more work done than yesterday, but not as much as I'd like. I'm still tired. Still struggling with motivation. I thought a lot about money today. I'm trying to do whatever mental tricks I need to do to keep me from buying things I don't need. There are little things in my budget that can help, but the main problem is just how often I buy things, big and small. Before I put money into retirement and farther back before I put money into savings, a lot more of my income made it into my budget. And I did a lot more freelance development. It took care of a lot of bad habits. I could spend more than I should, and then another check would come, and everything would be fine. But as more and more time goes by with very little freelance and dwindling savings, it is clear that my habits need to change. I changed my lifestyle a good amount recently when I decided to lose weight for a fund raising competition at work. I told myself over and over that I would work hard and show everyone that I was capable of doing this. I don't know that anyone doubted me, except maybe myself, but still I was held accountable, and I did work hard, and I lost a lot of weight. And now exercise is a bigger part of my life, and overeating is a much smaller part. So now I need to do some similar mental tricks to get me to reduce overspending and increase saving my money. Those mental tricks might come in handy with work related motivation, too.
There was talk of some people going over to a nearby bar after work. No one let me know they were leaving, but I think they probably already went. I could skip it, but I don't want to. I want a beer. I've had very few beers during the competition, and I'm OK with that reduction overall, but I'm still in the mood for a thicker calorie and flavor rich beer. And I could go for the social interaction as well.
Restless
Monday, March 10, 2008
I am all kinds of restless. It started this weekend. I was wasting time staring at my television, finding mindless entertainment in the form of HD programming and mediocre movies. I didn't want to put effort into going to the gym or cleaning or working on freelance web development. I didn't want to continue what I was doing alone. But I wanted to do something me. I grabbed my camera and laptop and headed towards my sister's house. I quickly found dreary landscapes scarred by modern suburbs and I balanced my little car on the side of the road and took some photos in the cold wind. Then I was back on the road, trusting my GPS, frequently looking side to side for something else interesting. But I didn't find it. I was getting close to my sister's but I decided to visit my grandmother briefly. So I did. I was very tired, so I just sat and talked for a little before heading back to my original destination. And I went and I sat around and did very little. I set up my laptop, and I played some StarCraft. Some with my sister. Some alone. And the time passed and then it was time to go home. I came home and I checked on my comforter. It was still damp so I put it back in the dryer. And I killed some time somehow but I don't even remember how. And then I got my comforter and put in on my bed. And something was very wrong with it. It had splotches of brown all over it. I tried to scrub them off but nothing helped. I left it sitting in my bathtub, wet and ruined, hijacked my movie analysis blog to express my feelings of sadness and frustration, and I went to bed.
This morning, I hung my ruined comforter out on my deck to dry, and I came to work. I figured out my schedule and my tasks and priorities, and I sent out some emails. And I killed some time. I chatted a little, surfed the internet a lot. I went to lunch and then I came back. I tried to make a web site using .NET 2.0, but I didn't get very far before I threw in the towel. And then I decided to make this blog. This domain name has been all but abandoned for some time, sitting in reserve, most likely forgotten by anyone who once visited it. I threw together an image to put at the top, and I fiddled with style sheets for a little, but in the end I just don't have any sort of motivation or inspiration. So there is no real design. Anyway, that brings us up to date.
I almost left the site just as it was, but I sat here restless, not sure what to do with my time. And I remembered that I am restless. And I wanted to write about that. To think about that. Maybe to fix that. I haven't been to the gym since Thursday. Three days used to be nothing between visits, but recently I've been pushing myself hard and getting in shape. It's been clearing my head and giving me energy. It's been relieving stress. And I think I actually look forward to it now. I just want the day to be over so I can pack up, put in my contacts, and head to the gym. The hour I've been spending on the treadmill lately flies by. It's almost too fast. It ends with sweat and I'm tired and I like sitting down and relaxing afterwards, but I'm not exactly relieved when it's over. It could go on longer. I enjoy running. As lazy as I often find myself, for some reason, running appeals to me.
On Saturday night, I dropped everything to go out to the bar with my friend. I like her. Maybe she knows that. Maybe not. Sometimes I think she likes me, too. But I haven't tried very hard to find out. We work together. And we work with her ex-boyfriend, too. They were together for five years. I like him, but not the way I like her! He and I are alike in some ways. Different in others. He's funnier than I am. I want to be funnier. Anyway, I forgot that Saturday was the night that we set our clocks an hour ahead and gave up an hour of sleep, unless you sleep in. And alas, Sunday wasn't a day for me to sleep in. I agreed to meet my dad for breakfast at 8AM. So I ended up sleeping about 4 hours. And I didn't feel like napping after he left. I left the television on, and I stared at it. Until I got restless enough to grab my camera and laptop and run out the door.
I think I got enough sleep last night. But I'm still tired. My mind is just a little cloudy. I have no motivation to do real work today. It would probably be easy. But I'm not putting my mind to it. I'm not even trying. I'm not content. I'm feeling uneasy. I want some kind of change. I want things to be done, to be here. I want to feel like I accomplished something. But I don't feel like actually doing anything. I don't know where to go from here.