Enough
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
It gets tiring being afraid to mention your ex-girlfriends even around your friends. Some recent events made me think about this perhaps more so than usual.
The other day, I was talking to a co-worker I don't know very well, and I was sharing some stories, while he was talking about things like the wedding he's planning and bachelor parties. Now since one of my ex-girlfriends is actually an ex-fiancée and I also happen to run into her lately I actually mentioned her a few times, and caught myself, and said something, and he said he had noticed that, too. But it was harmless.
But sometimes when I hang out with some of my friends, they are really critical of ex-girlfriends, and whenever they come out, I hear nothing but bad things, and then I usually change the subject or justify them somehow or just shut down for a while. I think it's easy to forget that these people represent serious relationships over a long period of time and were (and can sometimes still be) a significant part of my life. I care about them still, sometimes still think of them, and wonder how they are doing.
Now in my younger days, I was a little possessive and jealous, but now when I look back at ex-girlfriends, I generally don't think of them that way. I think of them as people I care for, and I hope they are doing well, and if the feelings were right, maybe I even wonder if things could be better if we dated now, with a few more experiences behind us.
So anyway, when a friend criticizes an ex-girlfriend, I feel like they are criticizing me, and even more so, I don't like the feeling that I should watch what I say or hide my feelings from people. I certainly shouldn't be ashamed to care about someone or appreciate them for their positive qualities and all the great memories that will always be with me. It sort of culminated unexpectedly the other day, talking about my GPS, when I mentioned the name of the "person" that does the voice I selected, and it was questioned because it happens to match that of my ex-fiancée. I snapped rather angrily that it was spelled differently anyway, but in my head I was thinking about how emotions had just kind of erupted in me. I don't want to have to justify or explain my feelings. They are what they are, and they are normal and human, and they reflect who I am and how I care about people.
In My Absence
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
I went to Boston. Correction: I drove to Boston! I think everyone generally thinks I'm crazy, but I enjoyed the drive. Some friends of mine are moving there. They say they want to get away from this place. Now I respect them for doing what they are doing, but I wonder what it is about this place. And Boston. Lots of people I know want to move to Boston. Now I've been there, and I had a great time, but I don't know why I'd live there over here. I do know why I live here though. I have a nice big network of family and friends. I would find that hard to leave behind. And I thought if there was a reason to move, it would be because I'm single, and maybe somehow a new place would put me in the right place at the right time. But really I think that geography has very little to do with it. In fact, I kind of feel that if I moved, it would be an attempt to run away from myself, my faults and mistakes, the negative pieces of my history, all those things that made me stronger and helped to make me who I am today. So I don't have any intention of leaving any time soon. But I do intend to travel more!
The Opposite Of Progress
Saturday, March 15, 2008
While I'm happy to be working on a pet project today, I feel completely lethargic. I know I should go to the gym immediately because the window is quickly closing until I have to spend the rest of my day cleaning and getting ready for both an evening out and a night in partying. Tomorrow I hope to leave as early as possible for Boston to make the most of my short visit there, but I won't be able to go to the gym until Wednesday. At least I have a soccer game Tuesday night, but going from Thursday until Tuesday without a lick of exercise is a bad idea.
I'm also frustrated once again by my complete inability to design web sites. I've been doing the programming for about ten years now, but when it comes time to make something new and make it pretty, I draw a total blank. All of my "designs" are the same, and they are stark and boring. Sometimes I'll work with someone else on the project and have them do the design work, but sometimes I wish I could do that part as well. I suppose practice would help a lot. Or training. Also, once again, motivation would be good. I know some ways to get the creative juices flowing, but I just want to jump right in and have a design.
Keep Going
Friday, March 14, 2008
This morning, I photographed a robin or two. I brought my camera with me to work, but I took most of the photos before leaving the house. I love the zoom on my camera.
I've had a pretty productive day at work, but there's a big piece that requires some energy and thought that I haven't found motivation to use just yet.
Yesterday I shared the site with some friends. I'm always curious how I'll feel going from having no one read the site to having several people that know me read it. Will I continue to be as forthcoming in my writing? I'm not sure yet. I do feel somewhat compelled now to write consistently. Even if I'm just posting something small, I want to write every day. Today I'm not sure I have any new, noteworthy issues on my mind.
I had two nice runs at the gym yesterday. Usually I do one long run, which lately has been around five miles. But I ran steadily faster yesterday and got some side stitches after two and a half miles. So I did a cool down, got some water, and when I felt ready, got back on for another two miles, again mostly at a higher than usual speed. Sometimes I have a little trouble getting myself to the gym, but more and more the past few months, I really feel troubled when I don't go. I'm still not satisfied with my self image or the speeds I can maintain on the treadmill. I haven't officially made it a goal, but I'm curious to see if I could get back to the speeds I ran in high school cross country. My fastest was 3 miles in 20 minutes, or 9mph. I haven't even run 7mph for 3 miles at the gym yet, so it feels like a lofty goal, but I've also been steadily improving my endurance and speed so it may be attainable over time.
Missed Opportunity
Thursday, March 13, 2008
I was about to leave for work this morning, and I thought about how I haven't taken a lot of photos lately. I did take a few on that little trip this weekend, but I haven't posted a single photo to my big web site yet this year (and that's after posting thousands in previous years.) For some reason, though, I didn't grab the camera. And I thought I don't like when I don't take it because then something pops up and I miss out on it. Like when there was a blue jay in the tree just feet from my car. But I walked out the door without it. Got in my car. And noticed some robins off in the shade of my house. I thought "that's OK" because it was too dark to get a good vibrant photo anyway. But then one of them flew over to the tree directly in front of me, landed and stared me in the eye. Damn it! I got out and tried to walk quietly back to the house, but he flew off. I grabbed my camera, and it's in my car now, but I missed another opportunity. With the zoom on my camera, I could have filled the frame with the little critter, just staring right at me. I guess, at least, he was there to remind me to always bring my camera.