A Big Nuisance
Monday, April 14, 2008
My eyes hurt. All the time. My job couldn't be more poorly suited to this situation. I also need to find new activities to spend time doing when I'm not at work. Anything at home is just difficult to endure for long. Watching TV and movies is particularly painful. Before long, my eyes hurt and I have a headache. I think, at least on days when the sun isn't too bright, I should be outdoors, letting my eyes do what they are naturally comfortable doing. Maybe this will get me out more. I have to get some gas on the way home today, for putting in the lawn mower. I was going to mow yesterday, but it didn't work out! I did give my dog a bath and give him some exercise... in the high grass!
The Fear Of Blindness
Thursday, April 10, 2008
This has been a scary week, and I'm still pretty nervous.
Maybe two weeks ago, but I'm really not sure, I started seeing an occasional flash in my left eye. I would describe it as being in the lower left, out of my main field of vision. It would be very quick, and I don't know if I even saw it as often as once a day, or if I saw it more often but just didn't take notice. It kind of reminded me of the negative you might see after seeing a bright light. Still, not too long ago, I overheard a friend saying that seeing flashes of light can be a sign of retinal detachment, and that thought was hiding out in the back of my mind. Starting Monday, the flash seemed just a little larger, and more frequent. I started researching the flashes online, and reading about retinal detachment, and becoming very anxious. In all the anxiety, I often became very warm and nauseous. I left work early Monday for not feeling well.
That night, filled with anxiety, I hardly slept. Whenever I'd calm myself down and start to fall asleep, I would suddenly snap my eyes open, particularly the left one, and look around the room, confirming that I could, in fact, still see. I decided I would have to see an eye doctor the very next day, if for nothing else, to calm my nerves.
So I called the one eye doctor I've actually liked out of the many I've seen over the past several years, and they offered up an appointment sometime in May! I mentioned the flashes and urgency, so they recommended a larger place that I could call. And this other place got me in within an hour of my call! So I went, and my new eye doctor found a hole in the retina in my left eye. This can lead to retinal detachment, and he said it was good that I came in, because this kind of thing can just get worse over time. He said they would try to schedule laser surgery that day if possible, but at yet another location. In the end, it was scheduled for the following morning.
I slept slightly better that night, but still woke up from time to time. Early in the morning, I got a ride in to the ophthalmology center, arriving even before the assistants behind the desk. After some waiting, I saw yet another new eye doctor. He poked and prodded for what seemed like forever, and said that yet someone else would actually do the surgery. And that it appeared they may be a hole in the retina in my right eye as well. He then had me wait in the laser room for what seemed like a very long time, before returning to have me wait in a waiting area. Eventually my doctor was able to see me, in yet another room, and she discovered that there were four total holes, two in each eye. The two in my left eye seemed relatively fresh, while one in my right eye seemed older, showing pigmentation which is the bodies natural defense against these kinds of holes. I was given more eye drops and sent back to the laser room, where I waited for another long period of time. Eventually my doctor came around, and she set right to work. She took a laser first to my left eye, circling the two holes which were apparently close together. Then, given that I was putting up with the torture relatively well, she dove right in and shot the laser at my right eye for a while. Within minutes, I had almost normal vision, and the next thing I knew, I was out in the hall, calling for a ride home. Having dilated pupils, the time I spent outdoors was rather bothersome. Once home, and noticing the irritation and pain in my eyelids and a dull headache, I took some ibuprofen and slept the afternoon away.
So here I am the next day, and I'm rather nervous. My vision is mostly normal, but I still seem to have some unusual flashes and floaters, and I didn't really get enough information from the doctor to know if that is a normal side effect of the surgery, or if things are just getting worse in my eyes that will require additional work.
I did try to find out causes and prevention of retinal holes, but the only thing that was brought up was that I'm very near-sighted, which means my eyeball is elongated, but my retina is normal sized, so it has to stretch to compensate. I don't know if I'll continue to have these holes showing up throughout my life, but I certainly am not feeling optimistic about holding on to my vision as I grow old. I did see a call come into my home phone this afternoon, so my post-surgery checkup should be scheduled.
Money Sucks, The Lack Of
Thursday, April 03, 2008
I've been getting rather stressed out thinking about money lately. Not that long ago, I still did enough freelance to pad my budget and allow me to overlook poor spending habits. But lately I've done so little that I can't even remember the last check I've seen. And now my roommates are gearing to move out at the end of the month. So my budget is looking really bad. In preparation, I've had to cancel all automatic savings, and I even toyed with the idea of reducing my retirement deductions from payroll. I've also managed to improve my spending habits, but there's not much left in savings to deal with any unexpected expenses or mistakes. And paying tax on all that lovely freelance income now that I'm not getting it any more has been a real kick in the pants while I'm laying down. I canceled my underused Netflix account, but it wasn't long ago that I upgraded my cable a bit with a box that does HD and DVR, and I don't look forward to giving that up. Whether I find a new roommate (or two) or not, I think I need to work on some other "housecleaning" issues.
I think it's time I start packing lunch. Oh the horror! I have packed off and on in the past, but it's been a long time now, and I've gotten quite accustomed to eating out for lunch, which is not only financially wasteful, but typically unhealthy as well. I wasn't always so bad at packing lunch. When I did it consistently, it wasn't too hard to keep the items I bought fresh, using them up before they spoiled. But as soon as I started to slide, food got wasted, and then I became that much more hesitant about buying it on my grocery runs. I have to jump back in with both feet and get the habit sealed in. My one friend at work packs her lunch the night before, and I think it's a great habit. But she also heads to bed at least two hours earlier than me, and is awake two hours earlier, too! In other words, I may also need to work on my evening routine, because I often put off the bedtime ritual until I'm too tired to make good decisions and to accomplish any last minute tasks I should be doing. I tried going to the gym in the morning, and it wasn't too bad, but I just can't seem to bring myself to showering at the gym and then going directly to work. There really isn't all that much more to my morning vanity madness. Throw some gel in my hair, and away I go. But I also don't know what to do with myself at the gym during that period of time I need to cool off properly so the shower I take actually "works". As it stands now, any shower I take there is usually followed twenty minutes later by another shower at home which washes away that second coating of sweat. Maybe I'll just buzz my hair and be done with it! Maybe I can shave the rest of my body while I'm at it and cut down on that sweating problem all together!
I can't think of too many other ways to improve my budget. The rest of my expenses are housing, utilities, transportation and some outstanding debts. (One of them is educational, though I don't have a degree to show for it. The rest is just low interest credit card debt, held over from a past of weak spending control.) I'm also bugging my life insurance agent, because I'm not sure there's any point in shelling out that payment every month when I'm a single guy with no family. He tries to convince me that it's good to lock in the price while I'm young, and that it's a good long term investment vehicle, but I think there's a good chance it's nothing more than a long term waste of my money, and I need to stand up straight and tell him I want it canceled.
All Clear
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Every once in a while, it's nice just to say that things are going pretty well. I went to the gym last night to lift weights, and again first thing this morning to run. Of course, I am a little tired. But my mind has been pretty clear today. And I've been much better about not buying things online. I still spend some cash just going out to eat or drink, but I think as long as I stop buying stuff I don't need or even particularly want, my budget should stabilize. I'm learning to make better use of all the stuff I already have, to enjoy it and appreciate it.
At work, I'm learning .NET 2.0, and I've made a site with security and roles, photo uploads (with resizing upon upload), photo comments, blogs (with an easy to use WYSIWYG text input box with formatting and image uploads) and blog comments. The features aren't particularly exciting, but it's great to learn how to implement them with a new set of tools that are vital to modern web application programming (not to mention surprisingly easy to use). I might have to redo this site next, since the form I made for writing blogs is pretty rough right now. Just the image upload alone might make it worth the trouble.
The reason I'm finding time to learn and self train is because I have nothing to do this week! Lots of things were put on my schedule that aren't really materializing into actionable items. I can't kill time learning things forever. I do have kill some of that time filling out a form that will be used for job evaluation. That's no fun. I didn't do a whole lot this year that contributes to job growth and career progression. I think I had to work on my own issues and get them worked out. Now that I'm living healthier, happier with my social life, and maybe getting more regular sleep, I think I'm better able to focus on work and be productive.
I'm not entirely happy with my social life though. I noticed that I haven't really dated anyone in many months. But that I haven't even been particularly motivated to do so. I'm OK now. Not overly ecstatic, but content. I don't feel bad about being single. I am enjoying life. I am being social, at least friendly, though not romantically. But I can't say I'm happy having no romantic pursuits. A part of me does want that, and misses that. I guess I just want to re-enter the fray, once again dealing with rejection, or even the pressures of acceptance. Maybe I need to really learn that I am someone who can be and deserves to be loved. I'm not sure I fully grasp that.
Step Up
Monday, March 24, 2008
I'm really self conscious about dancing, which I think kind of goes against the whole philosophy of dancing, which I think is to just let go, have fun by moving yourself in an almost out of control way. Well, there are many different kinds of dancing so I guess the idea behind each is different. Some are so structured that "letting go" probably has almost no place in it at all. Unless maybe that tiny hint of letting go is what gives something so absolute the human touch that makes each dance unique and thus worthwhile. I'm talking about dancing at clubs though. And I guess the point there is something along the lines of hump the person next to you. Except somehow I do it wrong and the girl "friends" laugh and then I feel self conscious about it. My movements on the dance floor aren't sexy so much as awkward, and I'm pretty sure the more I think about it, the worse it gets, so I try pretty hard not to think about it, and to ignore what they say. And then I have a good time anyway.
Lately, though, I've been thinking about taking some kind of dance lessons. I don't know if what I'd learn would translate to the club, but it would be kind of cool to train my body to do something specific, to have control over the moments, to learn some variety and structure in dancing. I don't know what kind of dancing would be good to start with. I think whatever kind is fun is probably the right kind. But I don't know much about dancing.
A little weird fact about me is that for a while I strongly considered taking some sort of ballet. This isn't recent, though I mostly feel the same about it now as I always have. I think, again, that it would be great to train my body in strength and control over movements. And to ignore the negative ideas people like to attach to males in ballet. Sure, if I dress in ultra feminine attire and move in feminine ways, I would appear feminine. Go figure. But ballet doesn't have to be ultra feminine, and I think it would be fun. In fact, I think I would meet people that would be quite human, surprisingly so, even, in a place where you might not expect it.