Always Working For The Future
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Last week, in preparation for my second and final roommate, I moved everything out of the third bedroom that had been used as an office and guest bedroom. In general, it felt like a productive week, though I definitely fell behind on freelance. One of the things I did was finally make use of a computer part bought about six months ago, and I set up my computer in my bedroom. It had been used very sparingly, replaced by a more convenient laptop which could be used in the less remote feeling living room or bedroom. But with the computer running more quietly and well within reach, I began to use it again. And it was kind of intoxicating. I stayed up late several nights since then, often just bouncing around the web, finding ways to make the most of two 22" screens, or listening to music on the 400 Watt speakers. All of this in what may be the eighth or ninth week since I stopped going to the gym. My energy levels are plummeting and I haven't been able to think clearly or find motivation at work.
I have my contact case with me today, and I'm going to the gym in a short while. I plan to run for a while, and then I might lift some weights, too. I don't want to go overboard, because I want the experience to be positive, encouraging me to continue to go regularly for the remaining few evenings I have this week before going on a three day road trip that will separate me from the gym. I should get quantifiable amounts of freelance done, too, since I'll also be on a camp site, unable to get any work accomplished.
I'm really hoping I get back into the habit of visiting the gym. While I'm pretty sure my previous stint robbed me of muscle since I did so much running and so little lifting, the exercise is still quite a positive part of my life. I have stress that needs relieving, metabolism that needs increasing and unnecessary fat that needs burning. My mind needs cleared and my energy levels need to be restored. And being single at twenty nine (shortly), my self esteem could use just a little boost from an improved body image.
The thing that's really worrying me is that I thought I might be in the beginning stages of a potentially special relationship, but the lack of energy and clarity may have put up a large roadblock that I'll now need to overcome just to resume forward progress. The timing isn't good, and the stress and worrying will only serve to be self-defeating.
I'll also hope that this road trip and mini-vacation serves well to help me relax and get back in the game.
Killing Time
Monday, May 19, 2008
I used to really like having people over. Lately every time I have visitors, I feel really awkward. It stresses me out, and I'm relieved when people leave. I don't seem to have the first clue about how to entertain any more. I am really frustrated by this.
I'm super tired today, and kind of depressed and grumpy. I have no motivation and I'm annoyed by just about everything. I'm lonely and I feel like an outcast. I don't remember the last time I had a close friend. When I go home, I will probably kill all kinds of time staring at the TV because I've become way too lazy to do chores or freelance or to go run errands or go to the gym. I haven't been to the gym in about five weeks.
I don't have any goals. The future is meaningless to me. My entire life has been reduced to killing time.
Cure For Lethargy?
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
At work, the only thing keeping me going is that I've been put on some team projects, so I'm held accountable. In other words, when you're sitting next to someone, you're kind of forced to push through and get work done. Sitting alone in my cubicle, I can kill time, sometimes even closing my eyes and nodding off.
At home, TV continues to wreak havoc. Of course, that's just an excuse. An outlet. But I have so many things to do. I need to sharpen the mower blades and put thicker oil in, and then tackle my backyard jungle. I need to move furniture around. I need to brush Frodo, and I'm way overdue for vacuuming. And I should clean the kitchen and bathroom. And when is the last time I made a proper dinner or packed my lunch? And now I've got a freelance project to work on. I finally sent some invoices tonight. Some of those were probably six months overdue. And since I haven't properly tracked my time all those months, I probably charged way less than I could have. Oh yes, and I printed an amended tax return for this year, since freelances finally caught up to me in that area. But I have to actually send it in.
I'm gearing up for having a new roommate. Of course the old ones have only been gone about four days. But maybe having a new roommate will spur me to action. Or maybe I'll have some people over. That usually gets me to clean, even if some of that "cleaning" is "tidying" by piling stuff in some room I don't use much. I want to organize my basement workshop, with proper shelves and spaces for everything. And while I'm down there, I need to tear apart the failed home server and prepare that motherboard for RMA.
And all over the house, old mail has piled up, useless, but a part of me feels the need to go through it all before I toss it or shred it. Amid those messes of paper are other things set aside for later, all needing a proper place, more often than not in the trash. Even the recyclable basket is overflowing. I merely need to take it out and put a new bag in. But when will that happen? Even my living room has reached a record level of clutter. Blankets and clothes, electronics and books, magazines and mail... all just sitting on the coffee table and even the couch.
I never claimed to be clean, but for so long, I held on to believing that I was at least tidy. But now I'm overwhelmed with my failure to maintain a tidy place. Of course the negative thoughts of a defeatist will not do well for driving me to succeed and recover. I will do it. I don't yet know what the trigger will be, but I have a feeling it will come from within, and with every small success, I will be more motivated to continue onward and complete the tasks before me.
Unfocused Thoughts
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
What is with the grass? It's growing like... weeds. I have to mow again, but my evenings are really busy all week. Yesterday should have been the day, but I took a long nap instead. And stayed up late, and had difficulty sleeping! I think right now my body is trying to disassociate the few nights I've had so far where anxiety ruled and sleep was hard to come by. Until then, my bed isn't the place of relaxation I need it to be. I did drink coffee today, which I haven't been doing lately. The weak logic here is that maybe if I'm more awake during the day, I'll sleep better at night.
My eyes seem to be doing well, mostly. Stuff isn't bothering me as much lately, and they aren't hurting all the time. I wore contacts yesterday, and they were a bit on the dry side, but that isn't really new. I do still see flashes out of the same place in my left eye, but apparently it's just something to get used to, as the vitreous continues to tug a bit on my retina. I went back in on Monday just to be safe, and they said everything looks good. And I have another checkup in about two weeks.
My house is a mess right now. I don't exactly blame the roommates, but doing so is helpful for making me feel better! I just tell myself that I'll do everything I need to do once they are out, because I'll have that downstairs living room in which I can store lots of furniture. Then I can reallocate shelves as needed, and go through some of the clutter that has been building up. And I can start hacking away at some minor landscaping outside, and hopefully clean up cigarette butts for the final time. I'm thinking vacuuming should be a priority, because I still strongly suspect that I have some minor eye irritation stemming from allergies such as the pet dander. It would help if I brushed that hairy beast of mine more often, too. My Roomba only cleans the kitchen on a daily basis, but even so it is usually full to the brim of pet hair (thus my weak justification for that purchase).
Speaking of... I have been doing pretty well with controlling my budget and adjusting to life without freelance income, not to mention the forward looking expectations of life without roommate income! Interest rates have dropped again, so I refinanced my car... again. I'm rolling one of my credit cards into it. It wasn't high interest, but higher than the new loan, and that rate expired in December and jumped some more. And besides, the reason that card had money on it in the first place was because I used my cash rewards card to pay for some of my car, and then transferred it to that card since the balance transfer rate was the same as my car loan. But it really is car debt, so it helps to keep it in a single loan. My monthly debt payments are a little higher now, but not by too much, and theoretically, that combined with lower interest is a good formula for relatively big savings on interest.
I do hope to get a new roommate or two, though, and I am expecting a raise June 1st, and my laptop will be paid off (interest free loan through work) as of December 12th. Those things will all help my monthly budget out, if I can continue to keep my expenses and spending within the budget, but in addition, I might also look into adjusting my federal tax withholdings, since this will be my first year of being able to deduct a full years' worth of mortgage interest. I have a feeling I would be due a large refund if I leave things as it is, but I prefer to increase my income now, to pay off debts and reap the benefits of interest savings myself instead of giving that opportunity to the IRS.
Unless I do manage to really cut spending, though, without roommates, I don't have any money going into savings on a regular basis. That bothers me a lot. Most of my life, I lived that way, but over the past two years or so, I've had automatic savings plans, and I've found it quite helpful. Without it, I might not have my house or paid off so much of my car. I'd probably have just spent more. So I'm trying to get a solid "yes" or "no" from the potential roommates I've talked to, so I can either look forward to that income (and their company, of course), or talk to others about the possibility. I'm pretty sure there's at least one person that will be a good match as a roommate, and I don't like sitting around waiting to hear from others, not knowing if or when I'll be able to have that new roommate move in.
Work has been rough while my body tries to adjust to sleeping normal hours again. Last week was actually really good in that respect, but this weekend turned everything upside down. So I'm struggling to be productive and to even have the energy to stick around for eight hours. And I'm pretty much blogging now to clear my mind, pass time, and perhaps get my gears turning. I hope it worked.
On A Positive Note
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
This week seems to be picking up. I had a "career lattice" meeting yesterday, which is something new here at work. It gives us an idea where we are now, where we can go, and what we can do to advance. I got a lot of positive feedback in the meeting, and my manager seemed to hint that my upcoming pay raise will make me happy. I wasn't really expecting or counting on a pay raise, which might sound to odd to some people that obsess over these things, but I guess I kind of enjoy the limits that can be put on my responsibility (and culpability) when my pay isn't sky high. And I wasn't budgeting for any kind of raise. I've been cutting corners and trying to keep things tight, so any kind of increase in income is quite welcome and helpful. And as a bonus, literally, my manager gave me a card today thanking me for a job well done meeting with a client recently, and it included cash money! I got that card just after visiting the eye doctor. My eyes seem to be doing just fine now, with no new issues or problems with the surgery. And the only person to poke and prod was the same doctor that performed the surgery, and though she's the only one to whip out the probe that pushes at my eyelids to pop my eyeballs out a bit so she can see the inside front of my eyes, she's really efficient and manages to leave my eyes feeling relatively abuse free. And I just churned through some tasks here at work, which leaves me feeling productive and capable. I'm also looking forward to a lunch meeting I'm having next week, but that's all I'm going to say about that.