Brain Dump, Part Two
Thursday, September 17, 2009
So to recap this year, I've met or got closer to quite a lot of girls, and I have not been lacking for romantic interests. But I haven't really developed any close, romantic relationships. I've also spent a lot of time with a "new" set of friends, and it has been a blast.
I'm going to pause, because I really feel like my "voice" is missing from my writing this morning. It's very factual and deliberate and frankly, boring. That drives me nuts. I'm barely going to find this interesting to re-read, and I can't imagine what my anonymous audience must think. Maybe I can spice it up, despite the "dump" nature of it.
So basically, life is good, but who's ever content with "good" so here I am, trying to do something useful... useful to me, anyway. Oh, right, so I got a motorcycle, and I really can't get enough of it. Rather many of the people I know have commented that they never saw me as a "motorcycle guy" but I really have to disagree. I feel like it's exactly right for me. I've gotten so comfortable being on my bike that it feels like I should have always been there. On the flip side, I have a feeling riding at a younger, less mature age really could have been a bad, bad idea. For a long time, I warned myself that the ability to go fast on a motorcycle would tempt me into trouble, and that kept me from taking the leap. Now, for whatever reason, I've jumped over that self imposed hurdle. The initial nervousness of riding has subsided, and I'm finding myself comfortable experimenting with fun but safe speeds to take turns and enjoy the power on the straights. Fortunately, the ever present voice in my head reminds me that I'm not on the streets alone. Riding a bike safely is very much about being defensive, being prepared for the unexpected. So I will continue to do my best to keep myself in check.
So while my social situation hasn't been bad, I still find myself essentially lacking a "best friend" or someone that could be my "regular" buddy for fun activities during the week or even on slow weekends. Of course, I have plenty of things I could do around the house. Painting my fence is going very slowly, and the gate still needs rebuilt. My sunshade now needs removed or repaired. I let my decent flower beds fall back into disarray, and I get behind on mowing regularly. I'd still really like that "best friend" though. I've read several times now that the happiest people are the ones with a good number of close relationships. So I'll continue trying to allow myself to get close to the friends I have, and hope I can have a good, local best friend (or two).
I'll end this, for now, and secretly hope that my blog has not be lost in the ether, and that I can get feedback that is entertaining or helpful or simply nice to get.
Brain Dump, Part One
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Maybe I've gone long enough without posting that everyone that used to read this forgot it exists, and I can tell myself I'm writing anonymously. Of course, I provided RSS feeds, and some of my friends are clever enough to use those. At any rate, I haven't done any sort of journal entry in quite a while, and I feel like it might be good for me. Or wake my brain up. Or at least pass some time at work. Maybe it'll even help me sort out some thoughts and feelings.
Timing is interesting. Looking back at my last post, I was dabbling with ideas about a girl that I had some interest in and considered dating off and on this spring. Since then, we've solidified our friendship, and clarified it as just that. I see also mentioning a lack of focus on one girl. Well... that has really changed, and is why I mention timing. Just two days later some things started to unfold. To back up a little, there is this girl I met and saw at a few parties at my friend's place, and we became contacts online, but really didn't interact. But I did invite her to my birthday party, and another party after that. I really didn't know her, but we did talk just a little online, and she expressed interest in coming out to my soccer games. So two days after my previous post, she came to one. And of our two mutual friends that play with me, one was absent, and she said she didn't even realize the other was on my team. It struck me that she might actual be there just to see me! So over the next couple of days, I struck up conversation online, and another two days later she was coming over to watch movies!
I quickly became smitten and kind of let emotions and self control run amok. She warned me that she likes to take things slow, but I doted on her and kept in constant contact, and before long, my brain shut down completely, and I started worrying too much about things, acting a little awkward when she came over for a group movie night, and saying stupid things via text message. So, just two weeks after that first movie night, she sent me a message online telling me that it didn't seem likely that we would end up dating, as romantic feelings really weren't developing.
While there are ample details about my thoughts and the events following this, I'll spare you those, and summarize. Basically, despite all this, I have focused my attention on this girl, and continue to do so. We are what I consider close friends now, and whatever happens, I'm very happy. I do wish that school and work and schoolwork didn't make it so tough for us to spend time together, though! As I get to know her, my feelings for her only deepen. Perhaps it is a tragic trap I am setting for myself. Perhaps I am making her a happier person, and maybe her feelings for me will develop. I can't possibly know, but I know I am only interested in her.
Since I think I'll change topics now, I'll start a new post.
My Inconsistencies
Monday, July 06, 2009
It's been a while since I've written anything resembling a blog. I've been having a good couple of months. They've flown by. But I feel like I'm on a downward facing slope right now, if not a cliff at the end of a long climb. It's just a feeling. It will pass. I know I have a lot of good in my life right now. I know it won't blink out of existence. But I also have a feeling of something missing. A bitter feeling that I'm being cheated somehow. But it is foolish to blame the outside world for the situations I build for myself.
For several months, I've been interested in several girls, and apparently they've been interested in return. But I won't let myself be directly focused on just one. I've kept them all at arm's length while trying to keep them all close to see how things would go. And one by one, either I would decide that they weren't right for me, or they would decide to stop letting me tug them along like this for one reason or another.
So I feel I'm back to the beginning now. It wasn't a bad experience, and I'm glad it happened. I just feel a little lost right now. I feel a little worried that if, out of this great set of girls in my life, I can't find one I can let myself get really close to, how could I ever find one like that. I feel like there's just something standing in the way of me feeling the intimacy of a relationship I can't even remember ever feeling any more. And a part of me is sure that whatever it is, it's of my own doing. My choices have put up a barrier, and now I can't seem to get past it.
There's this one girl I like. I feel like something really good could be just around the corner. But there always seems to be something or someone keeping us from making any sort of meaningful leap. Even though I've been enjoying the attention and affection and flirting of several girls, when she does the same with other guys, I find myself really upset and hurt. And perhaps that's how she's feeling on the other end of things. But then I find myself on the edge. Do I let myself really put my heart into her, pursue her, push all the other girls away, and make it clear that she's the only one I'm interested in? What if she really is only interested in the superficial flirting aspect of a relationship? What if she wants to continue doing what she's doing now? What if I want to, too? What if I still can't let go of this fun phase of life? Is a relationship worth letting go of that? I can't answer these questions. I'm afraid I just don't know what to do, or even what I want to happen.
Financial Year In Review
Monday, January 05, 2009
Back at the end of May, I started taking a snap shot of all of my account values so I could come up with an estimated net worth.
Since that time, I spent nearly six thousand dollars on a new heat pump, started paying for a home refinance, bought new tires and watched the stock market dive, taking a big chunk of value out of my 401(k). I also got my biggest Christmas bonus (technically profit share) of my career, zeroed out my credit card debt, and started saving up for a mattress purchase.
After seven months of tracking my accounts, I've increased my net worth by just over eight... thousand... dollars! That means I averaged a positive cash flow of over one thousand dollars every month, even with all those negative marks on my budget. That feels pretty good.
Coming into this year, I'm refinancing my mortgage at a much lower rate and a shorter term. This means that my month to month balances will improve that much faster. I'll be saving over $160 each month in interest, and that compounds over time, so it'll actually be more as time goes on. I plan to pay off my car loan by the end of the year, for additional interest savings, and to really increase the amount of money I can put into savings each month.
The trick is to keep spending (a lot) less than I earn. And well, there's really no trick to that. There are methods though. I limit "reckless" spending to a preset amount each month, placed in a separate account I call my allowance. That money is spent on lunches and eating out and socializing and buying toys. As long as I'm sticking to that preset amount, I feel no guilt, and I won't break my budget! I also try to optimize in other ways. The debts I have are low interest, and with the exception of the car loan, the interest payments are tax deductible! Money is kept in relatively high yield savings accounts. I am not maximizing my 401(k) yet, but I do put in the maximum amount that gets matched by my employer. That also saves me money on taxes. And I take opportunities to get bonuses, such as opening an ING Electric Orange for an extra $50, and earning about 2% overall cashback on my credit card (which I pay off each month and pay no interest on).
Sometimes I worry that maybe I'm not spending *enough* on myself, that I might squeeze too hard and snap. But I also remember that while I'm a little "deprived" now (and I use that word loosely), I'm making a big difference in my future. A positive cash flow now increases over time, and a really large cash flow in my future will allow me to not only be better prepared for retirement, but also allow me to increase the amount I put into my disposable income. Anyway, here's to another year of living life while also being fiscally responsible!
Happy New Year!
Seasons
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Is history just repeating itself for me? My behavior and activities follow patterns. Some are short term. Maybe every week I go out for drinks with some co-workers. Hopefully, every week, I make it to the gym. Other things are long term. I work at a job for 2-3 years before moving on. I do the same with a car. Or where I live.
Are my patterns changing? I bought a brand new car. Surely I'll hold on to that longer than the usual 18-24 months. Right? I bought a house. I can't just pick up and go after a year, when my lease would be up. And I really like my job. Good perks. Good environment. Lots of friends. (Hopefully the economy won't sabotage this good thing!)
I'd like to think I'm stabilizing. You might even say I'm settling down. I don't know. I still find myself neurotic and paranoid at times. And some patterns seem to go back farther than I realize, when I read my old blogs. I am kind of a "nice guy" in how I approach women. And I seem to spend most of my time around girls that are already in relationships. I'm attracted to the unattainable and impossible.
And even when I find myself in a relationship, I find it so ridiculous that it could really be happening that I question reality. I deem myself unlovable. I assume that this, too, is destined to end in failure. I can't seem to take my own advice and see things at face value instead of analyzing and questioning.
Perhaps it is a self-fulfilling destiny. And a self-defeating attitude.