Almost Lunch
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
The coffee thing has continued. It's been about 11 days now. My sleep schedule was pretty crazy, but I think it's settled into something resembling normal once again. My visits to the gym have continued, and I've added cardio. My weight generally still seems to be trending downward.
Still, it's been a bit of strange week. Someone I feel I've gotten pretty close to and was in a lot of contact with throughout the day withdrew. It's leaving an uncomfortable void that I'm trying to ignore. I'm looking for distractions. I'm trying to sort through my own thoughts and where I am in life, and make sure I'm doing okay as an individual. I am more likely to be a good friend (and eventually partner to whoever that may be) if I've got myself relatively well ironed out.
And for the most part I'm pretty confident in where I am. I felt a bit of a dependency develop on someone else, and that being taken away was jolting, but I don't know that I'm all that worse off. I've had some emotions go up and down and all around and confuse me and at times it has been quite unpleasant. But I'm still pretty much rational and secure and continuing my life as per usual.
It has been a distraction though... from work especially. Work load is a little light, so I'm left to find other things to do and think about, and that has occupied my mind a lot. Trying to cut that bad habit out. Now is a really good time to focus on work and do really well. For multiple reasons I'm merely hinting at now. I'm sure I could have some more thoughts and share them here, but instead you just get this glimpse while I wander off and find food.
Taking Advice
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Maybe I know what I'm doing. I tend to find the most success when I trust in my abilities to reason and understand. Problem solving is what I do. I don't generally tell people that my job is problem solving, because isn't that everyone's job? But that's my job. I am given some sort of vague end result, and I mold the void into what is really wanted and I find a way to get there.
Anyway, never mind all that. As I was saying, I like to ask advice, but often when I take advice over my own preferred course of action, I am unhappy with the result. Hmm no coffee in 4 days. I'm getting sleepy and I'm not sure I'm going to bother finishing this blog post.
My overall point is that while some people disagree with me, I think it'll end up all right in the end. Just you watch!
Search For Fitness
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I had a really good workout tonight. I'm not quite as aggressive with my muscles as I was when I first got into it this summer. Carlos told me that the best way to achieve rapid muscle growth is to go with a nice high weight, that you can just barely do maybe 8-10 reps, 3 sets... pretty much wears you out. Then drop to a lower weight and repeat. Keep it up until you can barely move any weight at all! Well, I did that to some degree initially. Now I just do the main set with the heaviest weight that I can do close to 3x12. So tonight I did good sets on my biceps and triceps, plus I did around 3x15 leg lifts and 3x20 crunches (each is supposed to work different abdominal muscles.) After that, I rested for a bit, and then hopped on a recumbent bike. I stayed on there for around 45 minutes, past the 10 mile mark, and burning close to 400 calories! I honestly don't remember the last time I got a shirt so sweaty! Anyway...
It might be apparent that I'm kind of set on losing some weight and working on my muscles and improving my body image (and self image). Since high school, I've gained weight. Sometimes I would do something to rein it in, but I've never gotten myself back to an athletic build. And really, in high school, I was mostly just skinny, not muscular. So I've never had a good muscular build. And I want one. Maybe not forever. Maybe just for a little while. But then the closer I get, the more I like it, the more I want it, the more I find some drive to skip that cookie or pudding or beer and get myself to the gym.
While I'm pretty sure this is a pretty healthy fascination, I do wonder if there are any negative sides of the coin. On the plus side, I worry about possibly being at risk for diabetes. While I don't have any direct family history, my dad has told me about some symptoms that I can relate to and that really frighten me. The main one is the energy crash that comes with a drop in blood sugar levels. For a while there, I'd get shaky, weak and extremely hungry a little before lunch time. Not just once in a while, sometimes several times a week. I also believe I've exhibited some signs of poor circulation which can also be an indicator of diabetes trouble. So... to be as healthy and safe about it as I can, I'm trying to avoid sugar binges and even alcohol binges which also spike your blood sugar levels (and have subsequent period of a drop!) And the exercise helps with that, as has my habit of eating more small meals throughout the day. Though I still struggle with dinner, which is often basically 3-4 meals that go as late as 10 or 11PM...
So I guess the only negative I worry about is that I'm already a picky guy when it comes to girls! And I know I'm not perfect, and I don't look for "perfect" in a girl. As I like to say, I'm picky about the relationship, the chemistry. Not the girl. But being physically attracted is one of the wheels on my love bus and I can't leave the station without it! I am not ONLY superficial though. The fun we have together is really much more important, and being able to converse intelligently, sarcastically and positively. So, the way I see it, anyway, is just that me being healthy removes a bit of the road block for a girl to like me... in other words, she won't dismiss me because I'm not fit like her. Sometimes I wonder if that's why I didn't get fit sooner. If I think I have all aspects of my life pretty figured out and squared away, and I still don't find the right girl, then what's wrong with me?! Now I can find out if that's how it'll happen...
Search For Motivation
Monday, September 21, 2009
I don't really remember a point in my life when this wasn't some kind of struggle. I am not a good worker. Want an example? I'm blogging about work instead of doing it! Now that's not to say I've ever been fired from a full time job because of poor performance, but I have come close. I was once put on a sort of probation period, with bonus scrutiny. The fact that I got that instead of being fired outright could hint towards my value as an employee despite my bad habits, or a flexible employer, or maybe just my ability to hide my flaws. So how did that end? I worked hard when put up against the wall, and came back from that position able to negotiate a raise! Funny how life works, isn't it?
So when did this start? In the beginning, of course. When I was in elementary school, I was usually given some time during school to finish up homework. And I would buzz through it quickly, and I would finish it. Most of the time. But when I didn't, it was unlikely that I would do it at home! As I got older, more and more classes demanded that I spend time outside of class doing work, and my grades slowly slid because of it. I still did well on tests, but the supporting homework grades would hold me back. All the while, I had chores at home, and I wasn't all that diligent about doing those either. There's a name for all this. Lazy. I always put the things I wanted to do before the things I was supposed to. Of course, certain motivation kept me going. Getting spanked is no fun. And I did actually get a thrill out of getting good grades. But my energy was much more often put into creative ways to quickly complete work and move on to something else than it was into making sure I did the best I could do, and that everything was absolutely finished.
Now I still managed to graduate high school, and if I remember correctly I was around 17th out of perhaps 180 students. Not terrible, but a part of me is sure I could have done better. If I wanted to. Now again, I like being thought of as the best, but it just doesn't seem to be in my nature to work that hard to get there. Kind of close to the best seems to be good enough for me, especially if I can get there easily. I feel there may have been something holding me back. Potential. I know, that's ridiculous. But I heard all about my potential from a young age, and for some reason, that drove me nuts. I said "screw potential." I told myself I wouldn't be "the best" because I was tired of hearing about potential. I didn't want to do what others expected of me. I was my own person. And for some reason, my own person didn't care nearly as much as everyone else about what could be squeezed from potential. Of course, that was long ago. More recently, I've finally started to take a look at myself and say... "don't you think maybe you could work a little harder, a little closer to your potential?" See, now it's about me. It's about me being happy with how successfully I make use of my abilities. It's not about showing others what I can do. Well not entirely. I still find myself wondering what people would think about me IF I did something really noteworthy. But that isn't motivation for me. Being happy with myself is. Somewhat. But it still hasn't driven me to really put my nose to the grindstone and do everything I can.
By now, I'm quite used to finding the easy, fast way of doing things. I'm not used to working hard. I'm not really sure how to go about it. I get things kind of sort of mostly done, and I feel accomplished. I lose interest and I find something else to do. And boy do I find other things to do. Sometimes I do things that I don't regret doing. Recently, I got a motorcycle. And boy did I pour myself into that. I studied that manual and I got my permit and I scheduled the safety course and set right to work scouring the internet to find a bike to start out on. The day after completing the course and getting my permit, I was riding my very own bike home. And now I find myself riding every time the weather is nice... even if there are things I should be doing. But I don't really regret that. I love it so much. It is now a big part of my life and I want to enjoy every moment of it. But that's not the only way I pass my time. Sometimes I'm staring at the internet, and not even the really interesting parts like funny photos of cats with even funnier captions. No, sometimes I'm dutifully harvesting corn in a virtual world. Wow. That's why I didn't paint my fence? And now it's rotting away and becoming more expensive to repair? That's just embarrassing, if you ask me. So I'm trying to change those habits. I'm trying to spend less time on really mindless ways of passing time. I mean, when I'm social, I'm happy. So spending an evening out with friends is often my pick over heading home to do some chores. This is my one and only short life, and I really want to make the most of it. See, we have potential there, too. To have fun and interact with the people around us, and to put smiles on their faces and land some smiles on our own. So I do say live up to that potential as well. Of course, I suppose some of us are really destined for great things. It probably wouldn't have bode well for humanity if Edison and Einstein failed to discover and invent all sorts of nifty and useful things because they were too busy sipping orange juice and recovering from a hangover. But I don't lump myself in a category with them. Oh no. But I suppose there's got to be something useful I can do with myself while I'm still kind of sort of young, right?
Search For Beauty
Friday, September 18, 2009
It actually works. We don't like to admit it, but it works. Hard work does actually produce results. As someone who has weighed as much as 235, someone who took anti-depressants for 18 months, and someone with very real concerns about adult onset diabetes, I can tell you that exercise is an absolutely vital part of your weekly (if not daily) routine. It has improved my physical and emotional state to a place I'm not sure I've been in 5 years.
I started lifting weights about 10 weeks ago. While the results were not immediately evident, about 4 weeks in, it started to kick in. In the past 6 weeks, I've lost 10 lbs. The low blood sugar crashes I had seen as often as every day just before lunch are actually a bit of a distant memory now.
I believe my eating and drinking habits have helped too. I have had a lot less to drink in the past several weeks compared to before. I've started to break lunch into two smaller meals at around noon and 3pm. I've been more selective of what I eat. And when the sweets are broken out, I indulge, but just enough to get some of the delicious flavor in my mouth. I don't really feel any less satisfied eating a few bites of cake instead of a huge piece. And I certainly feel better about the self control, the healthier body, and lately, several comments on my improved appearance!
After a handful of sugar fasting bets, I realized that I put a higher priority on so many things when placed up against the pleasure of eating delicious foods. That isn't to say I never eat anything I like any more, but if it comes down to being able to ride my motorcycle around without getting tired and sore and eating a few extra cookies, it's quite clear which one I'm going to pick. And I will admit that I think about how my appearances could affect how attractive girls might find me, and I would prefer to be in a happy relationship than sit around alone eating Ben & Jerry's all night.
On that line of thought, I do know that I have some level of superficiality in how I view girls. I am attracted to girls that are beautiful and healthy. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I know we are all born different and unique, and that there's so much more to what will make a relationship successful than just physical attraction. But I've also found that it helps out in that respect, too. What girl doesn't want to be found attractive by her boy? Isn't she happier knowing that he wants and desires her? Doesn't the fading of that attraction cause conflict... when there aren't other aspects of the relationship to maintain the bond? Many things to think about... it isn't just one thing. I don't think I'm wrong to want a relationship with someone that I find beautiful, both inside and out.