Neo Godless

Fear of Failure

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I think I'm supposed to journal this stuff, to get it out in the forefront of my mind, so I can conquer it properly.

I seem to be afraid of failure. Specifically, I built up this image in my head of a wunderkind software developer. But sometimes I have to actually think and troubleshoot and experiment and study to learn something new. I'm sometimes given some tough projects and tough deadlines at work, and I seem to freak out a little. I start thinking things are impossible. I distract myself and procrastinate. I avoid actually attempting to complete my tasks and succeed in my endeavors.

But when I do actually set my mind to getting something done, I usually make lots of progress and feel great. Why is it that I am so afraid I won't succeed that I don't even let myself try?


Friday, September 23, 2011

I'm trying to redirect my focus. It has been largely inward my entire life. I worried if I was good enough. I worried if people liked me. If I did something, even for self-improvement, it was still to please others. I heard I had potential, and my only struggle was whether I should rebel against that and do nothing, or if I should try to reach my potential while worrying about whether I really can and if it'll earn me approval.

So I have a list of things I once liked to do, ever thought I might like to do, or surely like doing now. I hope to narrow it down to attainable, focused things, and then... start directing my energy there. And start seeing how things turn out when I put my energy into something more important to me.


Sunday, September 11, 2011

While I can be quite patient with people, helping them learn something new or calmly waiting for something, I still have a lot of impatience in me. I'm now in a phase of my life where I've identified a major roadblock to success, happiness and perhaps most of all, peacefulness. It's something that can be fixed. But it's going to take a lot of time and work. I'm not used to pouring a lot of time and work into things. I like to find the fastest, most efficient way to do things, and then have it be done.

My fence is still not painted. My deck may need painted even more. There's trim work left to be done in the basement. My exercise pattern is still sporadic.

In addition to this road ahead, I'm still in a grieving process, moving on from my last relationship. I find it very difficult. There are plenty of bad habits to fall into, including thought patterns. I struggle with these things. I struggle with emotions. I struggle with feeling discontent just sitting here alone.

Perhaps it is a bit of a waste of life to do so, though. Perhaps I do need to find fruitful activities. I need to visit friends, help out family and keep myself moving. Should I really just be sitting here, reading or watching TV or waiting for something exciting to happen on Facebook? Why aren't I making myself get better at putting time and work into things like running, lifting weights, and exploring interests like hiking? Why aren't I writing more? (Maybe that's why I'm doing this right now!)

Independence is some kind of state of mind where you're okay with yourself, and able to make the most of your life without someone else grabbing your hand and leading you where to go. As much as I am a somewhat responsible, successful adult, maybe I lack the level of independence I really need to have. I am sure I hide that well, but I can't hide it from myself. Maybe if I become more independent, patience will come along for the ride.


Monday, August 08, 2011

It would seem that one of my biggest challenges is overcoming anxiety. Almost two years ago, I went to the doctor for chest pain, and came away with a prescription for Ativan, which is basically a tranquilizer you take when you're feeling anxious.

Anxiety and excessive fear has been an issue in my life for a long time. It affects my life adversely, especially in relationships, but also in my day to day productivity. I spent some time today reading about it, once again, and hopefully learning some new ways to manage it and reduce it.

Of course, I'm going to the gym in a little while, because general health and exercise are important. More importantly, I need to have some small victories against anxiety each day. I need to regain focus on work and improve my productivity. Keeping my mind busy with work tasks would be great right now. But as the day winds down, and caffeine courses through my veins, and sleep deprivation wears on me, I find myself anxious. I am impatient to leave this computer desk and get to the gym. I am trying not to ask myself questions that spring from fears. Questions don't need answers. There are things I do not need to know. There are possibilities I do not have to prepare myself for.

As a distraction, I'm writing this post. I am trying to postpone my concerns. I am trying to limit the effects of fear on my thoughts. I am trying to remember that sometimes knowing things really is worse than not knowing things. Life will go on whether or not I know everything that might be somewhat relevant to my life. I can make decisions and take actions and enjoy living without knowing whether or not things may or may not have taken place. I can move forward. I can focus on myself. I can practice self-control.

The addiction to knowing everything that my fears want me to know is unhealthy. When asking "what's the worst thing that can happen?", the answer is almost always that I give into my fears and make critical mistakes in my relationships, in my job, in taking care of myself. If I let go of the fear and the control it had over me, whatever else that might happen (and probably won't) will have a much lesser negative effect on me.

Harsh Reality

Thursday, July 07, 2011

When you love the person you are with, it may be difficult to face hard facts.

I want to remember what a good friend of mine told me tonight, so I'm writing it out.

One major thing was that he doesn't think any relationship can work with one Christian and one non-Christian. It's in the Bible that this will not work. Who am I to go against this. But like I said, I don't want the relationship to end!

You can only control yourself. With either party having any issues with control, it is probably best to keep finances fully separate. Control your own money. It's an important psychological thing.

If you experience losing control out of emotion, it's likely anger that you can't control. Learn to control anger. Anger management is probably a must! If two people trigger each other to anger beyond control, it needs to be addressed. Likely, both must work on their anger management, and if that fails, it might be too much.

Never try to control your partner in such a way that you want to keep them away from people that love them. This bears repeating. You only control yourself. Do not control one another. And you certainly shouldn't exert any control in a way that keeps someone away from people that love them.